Wiston Papers

Better living through modern science

“What a wonderful time to be alive,” John enthused.

“Wow, you’re in a good mood, “smiled waitress Beverly as she greeted us with the first round of Arabica for John and Robusta for me.

“Why not,” John marveled.  “It’s the age of invention!”

“I know I’ll regret this,” I trembled, “but what for example.”

“You know that I bought a new smartphone, right?”  

“Oh, the iPhone 5 with the mapping problem?  Another round of iPhones with another round of snafus,” I grunted.

“Nah, I gave up on the iPhones.  This one’s better.  It’s made of paper.  Look, I can fold it and even put in my wallet next to my money,”  John triumphed.

“You better leave money as a tip instead of that paper phone the next time you open your billfold,” warned Beverly as she stopped by for our refills.

“Even better is that I can use the phone to heat my house.”

“Say what?”  I paused in mid swallow.  “Heat your...”

“Yeah, you can stick it in water and the heat from its electronics can warm the house.  Well, not today but soon I’m sure.”

“I can hardly wait,” I doubted.

“Hey, how do you like my new sartorial splendor?”

“Uh...it looks like your usual...uh...attire.” I cleared my throat.

“Nope.  It’s smart clothing,” John boasted.

“Smarter than your paper phone?” I asked.  

“Look, “John demonstrated.  “I can control all kinds of gadgets like my phone, iPod and other portable electronics just by rubbing these new fabrics.”

“Well, it’s rubbing me the wrong...”

“And the best part is made out of milk, “John grinned.

“Milk?  You can’t be serious...”

“Really, it’s called Qmilch and acts just like cloth.”

“It gives dried milk a whole new meaning,”  I shook my head.

“How do you like my new tattoo?”

“I didn’t know you had an old tattoo.”

“This is great.  If I’m away from the flexible phone...”

“Because it’s soaking in the toilet and making heat?”  I questioned.

“No, No.  If I’m too far away from the phone to hear it ring, my new tatoo will vibrate to tell me.”

“Unbelievable,” I turned to Beverly for help.

“You know what else is new?” John warmed to the topic.

“I’m afraid to ask,” I regretted as I saw Beverly ignore my plea.

“I used an app on my new phone to find a parking space nearby.”

“But there’s never any parking problem here,” I argued.

“And pretty soon I can drive here without even watching where I’m going because of the new driverless cars Google has invented,” John boasted.

“Hell, we have too many driverless cars now from what I’ve seen,” I began to anger.

“It’s a great invention.  Now your car can drive you automatically to your destination and you’re can spend your commute using a head-mounted computer display to surf the net.  Or...or...or even better,” John became more emotional, “you can use the new contact lenses that let you go online.”

“Oh My God,” I intoned.  “What in the world is next...”

“I’m glad you asked.  I’m going to wait until the second generation of driverless cars comes along I think,” pondered John.

“Why is that?” I didn’t really want to know.

“Because by then I’ll have the new machines that you can use to turn newspapers and plastic bags into gas.  But I suppose  I’ll have to renew my hardcopy newspaper subscription,” John frowned.

“I’m sure the newspaper industry will be glad to learn that their publications are now being used to both wrap dead fish and fuel new cars,” I lamented.

“On another topic, have you heard about the IQ tests for bacteria?”

“It’ couldn’t be any lower that what’s here right now.”

“I’m serious.  Scientists have discovered one strain of bacteria that’s especially smart,”  John sipped his coffee and smiled.

“Sounds like our best choices for presidential candidates in four years,” I suggested.

“Speaking of IQs,” John was now unstoppable, “another group of scientists found that small electrical charges to your brain sparks creativity.  I mean, like, you know,  it makes you...uh... smarter.”

“Hm...my money is still on the genius bacteria,” I considered.

“And furthermore researchers have even found ways to store data in bacteria including a 53,000-word book onto DNA.”

“A book into DNA?”  I was astonished.  “Why””

“It gets even better,” promised John.  “Now there is a machine that can decode your DNA in just one day.  That would really help my love life?”

“Your love life? John, you’re a three-time loser.  Why on earth would you want to start dating again?”

“Don’t you see?  If enough women decode their DNA, I can buy an app for my new phone that will allow me to scan someone as I walk by to see if she’s read any good books lately.  It will be faster than speed dating.”

“Hold on, lover boy,” Beverly patted John on his shoulder.  “Does that flexible paper phone of yours access your bank account?  If so, here’s my number.”

“What?  You want me to call you, maybe?” asked a surprised John.

“No.  That’s the wire transfer number where you can send your tip to my bank account.  That’s the only invention I care about.”

Steve Coon

September 28, 2012