Wiston Papers

Better living through modern science

“What a wonderful time to be alive,” John enthused.

“Wow, you’re in a good mood, “smiled waitress Beverly as she greeted us with the first round of Arabica for John and Robusta for me.

“Why not,” John marveled.  “It’s the age of invention!”

“I know I’ll regret this,” I trembled, “but what for example.”

“You know that I bought a new smartphone, right?”  

“Oh, the iPhone 5 with the mapping problem?  Another round of iPhones with another round of snafus,” I grunted.

“Nah, I gave up on the iPhones.  This one’s better.  It’s made of paper.  Look, I can fold it and even put in my wallet next to my money,”  John triumphed.

“You better leave money as a tip instead of that paper phone the next time you open your billfold,” warned Beverly as she stopped by for our refills.

“Even better is that I can use the phone to heat my house.”

“Say what?”  I paused in mid swallow.  “Heat your...”

“Yeah, you can stick it in water and the heat from its electronics can warm the house.  Well, not today but soon I’m sure.”

“I can hardly wait,” I doubted.

“Hey, how do you like my new sartorial splendor?”

“Uh...it looks like your usual...uh...attire.” I cleared my throat.

“Nope.  It’s smart clothing,” John boasted.

“Smarter than your paper phone?” I asked.  

“Look, “John demonstrated.  “I can control all kinds of gadgets like my phone, iPod and other portable electronics just by rubbing these new fabrics.”

“Well, it’s rubbing me the wrong...”

“And the best part is made out of milk, “John grinned.

“Milk?  You can’t be serious...”

“Really, it’s called Qmilch and acts just like cloth.”

“It gives dried milk a whole new meaning,”  I shook my head.

“How do you like my new tattoo?”

“I didn’t know you had an old tattoo.”

“This is great.  If I’m away from the flexible phone...”

“Because it’s soaking in the toilet and making heat?”  I questioned.

“No, No.  If I’m too far away from the phone to hear it ring, my new tatoo will vibrate to tell me.”

“Unbelievable,” I turned to Beverly for help.

“You know what else is new?” John warmed to the topic.

“I’m afraid to ask,” I regretted as I saw Beverly ignore my plea.

“I used an app on my new phone to find a parking space nearby.”

“But there’s never any parking problem here,” I argued.

“And pretty soon I can drive here without even watching where I’m going because of the new driverless cars Google has invented,” John boasted.

“Hell, we have too many driverless cars now from what I’ve seen,” I began to anger.

“It’s a great invention.  Now your car can drive you automatically to your destination and you’re can spend your commute using a head-mounted computer display to surf the net.  Or...or...or even better,” John became more emotional, “you can use the new contact lenses that let you go online.”

“Oh My God,” I intoned.  “What in the world is next...”

“I’m glad you asked.  I’m going to wait until the second generation of driverless cars comes along I think,” pondered John.

“Why is that?” I didn’t really want to know.

“Because by then I’ll have the new machines that you can use to turn newspapers and plastic bags into gas.  But I suppose  I’ll have to renew my hardcopy newspaper subscription,” John frowned.

“I’m sure the newspaper industry will be glad to learn that their publications are now being used to both wrap dead fish and fuel new cars,” I lamented.

“On another topic, have you heard about the IQ tests for bacteria?”

“It’ couldn’t be any lower that what’s here right now.”

“I’m serious.  Scientists have discovered one strain of bacteria that’s especially smart,”  John sipped his coffee and smiled.

“Sounds like our best choices for presidential candidates in four years,” I suggested.

“Speaking of IQs,” John was now unstoppable, “another group of scientists found that small electrical charges to your brain sparks creativity.  I mean, like, you know,  it makes you...uh... smarter.”

“Hm...my money is still on the genius bacteria,” I considered.

“And furthermore researchers have even found ways to store data in bacteria including a 53,000-word book onto DNA.”

“A book into DNA?”  I was astonished.  “Why””

“It gets even better,” promised John.  “Now there is a machine that can decode your DNA in just one day.  That would really help my love life?”

“Your love life? John, you’re a three-time loser.  Why on earth would you want to start dating again?”

“Don’t you see?  If enough women decode their DNA, I can buy an app for my new phone that will allow me to scan someone as I walk by to see if she’s read any good books lately.  It will be faster than speed dating.”

“Hold on, lover boy,” Beverly patted John on his shoulder.  “Does that flexible paper phone of yours access your bank account?  If so, here’s my number.”

“What?  You want me to call you, maybe?” asked a surprised John.

“No.  That’s the wire transfer number where you can send your tip to my bank account.  That’s the only invention I care about.”

Steve Coon

September 28, 2012

Wiston Papers

Amateur hour in the National Football League

The regular National Football League (NFL) referees were on strike until today complaining about financial and retirement compensation for what amounts to part-time jobs.  Until today,  we were subjected to the vagaries of substitute officials who were trying to keep one watchful eye out for mischievous behavior on the field and another eye open for disgruntled fans.

I was not one of the sports fans or football pundits demanding that the NFL agree to the strikers’ demands. I can’t muster much sympathy for men who already make as much as $200, 000 a year for working only on weekends.    After all, this is just football—it’s only entertainment and contributes absolutely zero to the national welfare.   Fun to watch but not important.

Many observors were obviously more upset than I with the quality of the temporary arbiters. And that broiled into outrage following last Monday night’s game between the Seattle Seahawks and the Green Bay Packers that ended on a controversial call.

I watched the Green Bay-Seattle football game.  As a former high school football player with dreams of professional stardom, I follow the NFL contests with considerable interest.  My pro career, tragically, was never to be materialize due to three minor reasons—lack of size, speed and talent.

Yes, I  was upset over the outcome of the game, too.  But my criticism springs from different sources.

First, I’m not fan of Seattle’s coach, Pete Carroll.   He's the guy who presided over the University of Southern California (USC)  football program as it violated several National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) rules en route to several mythical national Bowl College Series (BCS) championships.   Then he fled town just in front of the NCAA sheriff.  Now he has an NFL head coaching job where he perpetuates his moral leadership.   A Seahawks’s win is always a disappointment.

My second criticism was the Green Bay play on both sides of the line of scrimmage.  The Packers allowed their quarterback Aaron Rogers to be sacked all night long.  The offensive line was no where to be seen most of Monday evening.  The behemoths in the front line must have been on sympathy strike with the regular NFL officials--having coffee somewhere.   And Green Bay's defense had more holes in it than Swiss cheese.  The team’s fans—known as Cheeseheads—should affix clothespins to their noses to block out the stench that has followed the Packers so far  this season.

Finally, there were more penalty flags on the field Monday night than there are nation banners surrounding the United Nations headquarters in New York City.  I’m surprised the Seattle’s police force didn’t swarm the field and arrest the part-time officials for violating the city’s litter laws.  Or perhaps the city’s “finest” are immune to pollution because of Pete Carroll’s presence.

It is true that the substitute officials missed the Seahawks offensive pass interference on the final play of the game.  That infraction  allowed both a Seahawk and Green Bay player to make a simultaneous catch.  In such instances, the call always is in favor of the offense.  That play the officials called correctly.

Unfortunately, everything else about Monday’s game was bad.  But on the bright side the regular NFL officials will soon be back on the field where they will be welcomed with open arms by both fans and coaches alike---at least until that first penalty flag is thrown.

Steve Coon

September 27, 2012

Wiston Papers

We need a conversation

“Let me coffee you two cups of our daily special,” waitress Beverly volunteered as she made her rounds for our weekly meeting.

“Did you just use the noun coffee as a verb?” I questioned a bit annoyed.

“Easy, bro,” soothed John, “we’re transitioning into a new era.”

Transition, ugh.  Another of my favorite words, I winced.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the presidential conversations next month,” John continued.

“Conversations?  Oh, you mean the debates,” I clarified.

“You have to get with the program, friend.  We don’t have debates any more in America.  We have ‘Conversations,’” (John made the quote signs with his hands.)  “Conversations about race, conversations about education, conversations about the economy.”

“I hate the word conversations.  It implies a polite exchange of meaningless platitudes where we talk and talk but never resolve anything.  Give me a strong debate or even an argument any day so we can fix some problems,” I stressed.

“No, no. We don’t have problems.  We have ‘issues’ (repeats quotes gesture),” John explained.

“Issues doesn’t work for me either.  It sounds as if we can have...as you put it...a ‘Conversation’ (quote gesture) with a problem but you’re afraid of offending.  We can negotiate with an ‘issue” (quote gesture) forever and never get anywhere.  Sorry, I don’t want a conversation with an issue.  I want to solve a problem.”

“Well, I’m anxious to hear what Obama and Romney will say.”

Yeah, that will be illuminating,” I took a deep swallow.

“I’m especially interested in how they plan to help the ambulatory addressees and sojourn solicitors of America.”

“The homeless and beggars you mean?”

It’s a serious issu...uh...problem.  I mean so many people are underwater these days.

“Living in homes worth less than they paid for?”

“Uh...yeah...and we need to provide a safety net for the economically disadvantaged ...like nutritional discounts,” John pontificated and sipped.

“I thought we already gave welfare and food stamps to the poor.”

“Another thing is how to help the people who have been fiscally fraught, downsized, or rifted.  That’s what happened to me,”  John explained.

“You mean fired.  It was a year before you realized that you actually lost your job because you kept using your damn euphemisms to hide the truth,”  I said pointedly.

“Look, I’m just saying that whoever is our next president has to inspire sustained growth and leverage the private sector to repurpose...”

“John, what you’re trying to say is that the next guy in the White House should get more people back to work with new skills.  Can’t you just say that?”

“You’re not very compassionate,” John frowned.

True. Out of work people lining up to buy the next generation of iPhones are just taking up space.  Crab grass would be better in their place.  Dog dung makes a better contribution than those dodos,  I thought.

“John, it’s people like you who use silly words to avoid real problems.  Obama does it and Romney does it.  Why can’t all of you just come clean?  Be honest with us and just tell is what you’re going to do?”  I pressed.

“I heart that,” interrupted Beverly.  “As a first step I’m not going to say that you owe a tab and gratuity this week.”

“Really?” we both smiled.

“Yeah.  Just pay your bill and leave a big tip instead.”

Steve Coon

September 26, 2012

Wiston Papers

Where is the America we were promised?

Two historical documents would serve us well as we approach election day 2012.  One was penned during the formative years of America--before the nation had made the critical decisions that were to shape her destiny.  The second--as seen through the eyes of a foreign visitor--evaluated the progress  of this bold democratic experiment by a young republic.

Alexander Hamilton, John Jay and James Madison collaborated on a series of 85 essays between 1787 and 1788 in which the three argued for establishment of a Republic.  They eloquently and passionately called for a strong central government to unite the original 13 British colonies.  The authors opposed the concept of a  Confederacy that would comprise loosely aligned independent sovereign states or nations.  These essays were later assembled as the Federalist Papers and remain today among the most erudite collection of political commentaries crafted by the leading scholars of the era.

Nearly half a century later the young French nobleman Alexis de Tocqueville traversed young America in search of what made this nation unique.  His one-year search beginning in 1831 resulted in the seminal analysis  Democracy in America, which continues as one of the classic descriptions of both the weakness and strength of a representative republic.

Were Hamilton, Jay, Madison and Tocqueville alive today, what would they write?  How would they evaluate the promise and potential of that young nation?  Would the  Federalist authors be pleased with the evolution of the then embryonic country  What would be Tocqueville’s reaction to how America has guarded the legacy of her forefathers and the function of the institutions which the young aristocrat so admired?

Next month the current United States presidential aspirants will engage in three televised debates about America.  Each candidate will pronounce the vision he sees for the republic and how his ideas are in keeping with the traditions of the nation’s greatness.  And each hopeful will claim that his opponent will pursue policies and programs contrary to the American dream---proposals that would erode those values and weaken the qualities and institutions that have made this country the envy of the world.

Despite the inevitable rhetoric, sadly today ours is not the America of the Federalists nor the republic witnessed by Tocqueville.  In 1787 the colonies comprised a largely racially and religiously homogeneous population who shared the common aspiration of independence from the yoke of British oppression and a passion to carve their own destiny.  Today’s America lacks a fundamental unifying goal or shared purpose.  And she is beset by often fractious religious, ethnic, and socio-politico differences that threaten to sever rather than forge a common spirit. 

Although our founding fathers engaged in occasional passionate debates over the best method to pursue the nation’s destiny, the goal itself was clearly perceived...a vision of what the young country could be.  Today’s America is mired in acrimonious partisan squabbling that puts the personal desires of individual politicians and political party aggrandisement before patriotism or common national interest.  

The trio of Hamilton, Jay and Madison would be dismayed by today’s leadership that is bereft of intellectual creativity, morally incapable of mustering the courage  to rescue the foundering nation, and is more committed to preserving partisan solidarity than promoting policies of national growth, security and equality.  

Absent in 2012 are representatives willing to sacrifice their political futures for the betterment of America.  Instead both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue are occupied by persons who have abandoned the needs of the nation in exchange for clinging to their undeserved tenure in office.

The public servants who inspired and shared the dreams of our founding ancestors  have been supplanted by a class of  pampered, lazy elite unwilling to frame an image of what America of tomorrow should be or how to get there.

We no longer are a nation of acclaim; we are a country of blame.  We point fingers not lift spirits.  We assign wrong rather than praise  right.  We protect incivility rather than demand responsibility.  We have replaced pride with perfidy.  We have betrayed our inheritance by electing mediocre politicians instead of choosing meritorious public servants.

This November Americans will elect their leaders for the near term.  Too few of us will cast votes to assure that the dream of the Federalists continues.  And too few of our candidates will attempt to uphold the vision that ignited the admiration of Alexis de Tocqueville.  

It’s too late this year to effect the critical changes required to turn the ship of state around and chart a more daring course worthy of the bold experiment that our founding fathers bequeathed to us.  

I know not how others will vote.  But for me I choose to reject every incumbent in favor of the possibility of meaningful change.  That is a risk I am willing to assume.  Because the persons who now represent us have proven their ineptitude.  They have demonstrated that they are incapable of guiding this nation. They no longer deserve our trust.  On that point there is no doubt.  And I am convinced  that Hamilton, Jay, Madison and Tocqueville would agree.

Steve Coon

September 23, 2012

Wiston Papers

Is there anything good on TV?

“Hi, Golden Boy,” waitress Beverly greeted us with a smile and coffee.  “This should get you perked up for The Office.”

“Thanks, I need this.  I was Up All Night,” acknowledged John as he yawned and took his first swallow.

“Well, you’re certainly a Person of Interest this morning,”  I said. “What’s up, The Job?”

“No, I was looking at next week’s Fall TV schedule trying to find a Smash.”

“Yeah, there’s not much Glee in that task,” I shook my head.  “It looks pretty Grimm.”

“Maybe so,” argued John.  “The networks are Raising Hope that we’ll see a Revolution of new programming with lots of Happy Endings.”

“John, it will take a Supernatural effort.  The networks all want that X-Factor, but It’s Messy.”

"True, it take’s the right Touch.”

“Go On,” I encouraged.

“It looks like there will be lots of Guys With Kids and Partners and...”

“It’s The New Normal with a Modern Family,” I shook my head. “And The Neighors, of course.”

“If you’re a Family Guy, you’re caught in the MIddle looking for shows to satisfy both the kids and The Good Wife.”

“It should be Elementary,” I agreed.

“On the one hand you hope to Do No Harm,” John continued,  “but too often as a Last Resort you settle for 2 Broke Girls or Body of Proof.”

“Hard to know which of those is The Biggest Loser.”

“All the networks are struggling for that Fringe audience.  It’s an Amazing Race for ratings.”

“I think all TV executives have Criminal Minds,” I sipped.  "Instead of trying to improve our Community in the TV room they give us Kitchen Nightmares.

“Sometime I wish we had The Family Tools to take Revenge.”

“Well, if it would Save Me, I’d take the First Cut,” I volunteered.

“I just want to be a good American Dad, you know,” John wiped his eyes with his wet napkin. “Just an American Idol for my kids." 

“Today’s television is a Scandal.  Once Upon A Time there were good shows.  But there’s nothing we can do.  We don’t have The Voice."

“Beverly, we’re talking about the new TV shows.  What do like,” I asked.

“Don’t watch TV,” Beverly informed us as she filled our cups.”

“What...you don’t watch TV,” we replied in shock.

“Nope, gave up on it when I was in college and had a roommate. She controlled the remote control.  I never did Trust  the B--- in Apartment 23.”

Steve Coon

September 20, 2012

Wiston Papers

A Tumultuous Arab Spring

The latest spate of anti-American violence in the Muslim World purportedly has been spawned by a 14-minute anti-Muslim video that appeared on YouTube.

Initial violence took the lives of four American diplomats at the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Lybia and protestors attacked the U.S. Embassy in Cairo.  No injuries were reported there.  A secondary wave of anti-America hatred in recent days has embroiled Muslims from the Middle East to Pakistan, Bangladesh and Indonesia.

The combination of the Arab Spring, perceived blasphemy against Muslims in the aforementioned video, and a perpetual Anti-America simmer, is the recipe in the cauldron that has spewed forth this most recent enmity directed against the United States.

It could be avoided.

There are some truths about the Middle East that current and past American administrations either fail to perceive or choose not to acknowledge.  The result has been decades of  catastrophic U.S. political and military efforts.

1—Our sole reason for attempting to construct peace in the region is oil.  We want and need a secure, uninterrupted flow of petroleum from the Middle East to the United States.  That’s our only interest in the area.  Any other explanation is disingenuous.

2—The cultural and religious  realities of the Middle East mitigate against any realistic initiatives by the Western World including the United States to broker lasting peace agreements whether between the Israelis and Palestinians, between Israel and the rest of the Arab World or between Iraq and Iran.  The “eye for an eye” mentality of too many religious and political extremists in the Muslim world guarantees a constant cycle of retaliation and revenge against both citizens and foreigners in the area.  As long as each side insists on meting out the last vengeance, there will be no peace.

3—The so-called Arab Spring promises to usher in an unprecedented opportunity for the Middle East to reconstruct her socio-politico-economic future.  There is a real possibility that this future will not be to the liking of the Western World in general or the United States in particular.  Our presence in the region may become even less palatable and more perilous than it is today.

4—It makes no difference who our next president will be.  Neither the incumbent Barack Obama nor the challenger Mitt Romney will be able to affect events in the Middle East.

As long as we pretend that Washington can leverage peace in the region in exchange for guaranteed access to oil, we will continue to suffer the consequences of  our misguided political dementia.

America will be better off to pull out of the Middle East and let events unfold without our presence.

Steve Coon

September 19, 2012