Wiston Papers

It's Not Easy Being Green.

    Beverly had just delivered our coffee when my friend John leaned back in his chair and said, “I’m green.”

    “I can understand your jealousy,” I replied smugly thinking of what I had accomplished recently to deserve this admiration.

    “No, not green with envy,” John clarified, “I’m green as in ‘going green,’’ as he made imaginary quotation marks in the air.

“Oh, boy”, I thought.

“I’m going all natural...nothing artificial,” he leaned back and spread his arms proudly.

“All natural?  I seem to recall your hair transplant, uh..an eye tuck, ...nose bob, chin extension, a tummy tuck...and wasn’t there something about enlarging your...”

“Stop! That was yesterday,” John asserted.  “Today I’m a new man thanks to the nutritionist Artesia Timsley.  She's convinced me that 'going green' includes eating right as well as embracing the environment”

“Artesia...well,” I paused hiding the pleasure of my pun behind another sip of coffee.

“Yes, thanks to Artesia I’ve seen the light. I'm going green. And I’ve started a five-meal-a-day diet.”

“Here we go,” I cringed.

“This morning I had a healthful breakfast of cottage cheese, flaxseed and lox,” John preached.

“I should have taken that sweetroll our waitress Beverly offered,” I regretted.

“After coffee I’m taking two fish oil capsules and then for lunch a turkey burger, olive oil and cantaloupe,” he added.

“Olive oil and cantaloupe?” I questioned.  “Why are you doing this again?”

“Steve, it’s the trend...the new thing.  Scientists tell us we should eat five or six meals a day instead of three,” John insisted knowingly.

“Five or six of those bear claws would be nice right about now,” I wished.

“I can hardly wait for dinner,” he said wiping a slight drool from the corner of his mouth with a napkin.  “Red peppers and leeks.”

“I'm beginning to feel a little green, too,” I commented as I stifled a belch.

“That’s right,” John pressed on. “And before I jump into bed I’ll top off the day with some raw pumpkin seeds.
    “I’d spend the night in bathroom,” I thought queasily.

“Later this week, I’m having Chicken Almond Ding,” he boasted. “You should try it.”

“There’s no way I’m eating chicken dung,” I cowered.

“Not dung, damn it.  Ding...chicken ding! John shouted.  “It’s Chinese for...for...uh, well, something.”

“It certainly is,” I gulped more coffee before gagging.  

“The point is, Steve, that this is all good for you.”

“And you’re doing all this, John, because...?”

“Because I’ve met a new lady friend,” he boasted. “And she’s inspired me to remake myself.”

“Geez!” I shuddered.

“Oh, and I’ve meeting her now,” John jumped up.  “We’re off to grab some hummus and celery stalks at the farmer’s market. Oh, and you should  take one aspirin a day everyday.   Uh...you’ve got this week’s coffee, right?”  as he made his escape.
"I think I need a whole bottle of aspirin about now," I winced.

“How we doin’ here, boys,” asked Beverly as she brought the bill.

“You know. I’ve changed my mind,”  I answered, “I’ll have a slice of your pecan pie after all...and one of those glazed donuts to go.”

Steve Coon

May 09, 2012