Wiston Papers

Remodeling our cabinet

“Good morning, boys.  Are you ready to solve the world’s problems again?” waitress Beverly greeted us.

“I’ve decided to remodel the cabinet,” answered John.

“What?  No politics?” I asked in surprise. "You're doing home repairs?"

“Not my cabinet.  The President’s Cabinet.  I’ve reorganized all 15 departments after last night’s debate.”

“I’ll bring you a full pot of coffee,” smiled Beverly.

“Please make it two,” I begged.  I’m not ready for this, I worried.

“I’ve decided after last night that President Obama is not to blame for the mess we’re in,” John clarified.

“You think last night’s moderator Jim Lehrer is?” I asked.

“Don’t be silly..  Won’t make any difference who’s in the White House. We need to overhaul the government.  And here’s my plan.”

“Oh boy,” I quickly chugged my first cup of robusta.  We may need three pots before this is over.

“We have too many of the same programs spread across the 15 cabinet departments.  Let’s consolidate them this way,”  John pulls out a large sheet of paper and lays it across two adjoining tables.

I feel a headache coming on.

“Agriculture has a Nutrition Policy Center, a Forest Service and a National Agriculture Library,”  John begins to diagram. “Let’s move Nutrition to Health and Human Services...Forest Service goes to Interior..and the Ag Library should be in the Education Department.

I wish I were in a library right now.

“Commerce is a mess.  It has the Census Bureau...that belongs in Education.  The International Trade Administration is exported to the State Department,” John quickly draws lines from one box to another and takes a deep swallow.  “And the NOAA--the weather service goes to Interior.”

“Weather moves.  Why not put it into Transportation?” I asked sarcastically.

“I suppose you want Armed Forces there, too, because they move,” John glared.

I wish I could move.

“Speaking of the military,” John continued drawing, “I’m merging Defense and Homeland Security because...” he looked at me.

“Uh...because they both protect us from bad people?”  I ventured.

“Right, bro.  We have too many illegal immigrants crossing the border because the U.S. Border Patrol has too few agents.  If we combine Defense and Homeland Security, we can send soldiers and marines to the border, too,” John brightened.

“And we send the Border Patrol to Afghanistan?” I wondered.

“Moving on,” John ignored me.  “There may be a lot of smart educators, but the Education Department itself is dumb.”

Strange.  I actually agree.

“Education has programs for Crime Prevention, Delinquency, Drop Outs and Drug Abuse.  Let’s kick them over to Justice.

“OK, let me see...” I tried to interrupt.

“And we’ve got all these Alaska Natives, Hawaiians, American Indians and Homeless People.  We don’t need them in Education; Interior gets them all.”

“What?  You’re moving them all to detention camps?” I objected.

“Good point.  Let’s move the Homeless to Defense and Homeland Security instead.”

These two pots of coffee are beginning to help.”

“You’ll love this idea,” John promised. “I combining Energy with Interior because its all out on open space.”

Wide open spaces.  It might work.

“Housing and Urban Development did such a fine job rebuilding New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, that it’s no longer needed.

“Wait, New Orleans is still a mess,” I protested.

“So Faith-Based Neighborhoods move either to Interior or Defense...the bureaus of Equal Employment, Labor Relations, and Employment Opportunity should be in the new Commerce and Labor Department...Ginnie Mae is packed off to Treasury...Healthy Homes and Indian Housing all go to Interior...while Defense gets Lead Hazard Control.

Well, HUD did drop the ball after Katrina.

“Moving on to Interior...”

“Don’t tell me, It get’s everything.”

“Hm...not a bad idea,” considered John.  “But the Bureau of Ocean Energy Managment should either be in State or Energy.

“Labor isn’t working,” chuckled John at his obvious pun.

“It was a little clever I admit.

“I want the Center for Faith-Based  and Neighborhood Partnerships in Defense because it sounds like a cabal. All the health-related programs should be in Health and Human Services, and Veterans Employment is transferred to Defense.”

There is definitely something in this coffee.

“The State Department has too many unrelated units...Economic Growth, Environments, Biological and Toxin Weapons, Climate Change, Cyber Issues, Global Food Security and Global Youth.”

“Let me guess.  They all go to Interior or Defense.”

“Now you’re catching on,” John beamed proudly.

“The Transportation Website is too difficult to understand so let’s disband the department and move it to...hm...where.”

“If it moves, you salute it.  So it goes to Defense?

“Brilliant!  I love it.”

My mood is getting better.

“Treasury is so dysfunctional under Secretary ‘Tax Dodger’ Tim Geithner that we should dismantle everything.”

“Wait, that’s where our money is!”

“Not to worry.  The Bureau of Printing and Engraving as well as the Mint all go to Education.  The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax Bureau now is in Interior...and Secretary of Treasury Geithner is shipped off to Guantanamo.

“You know, I like that,” I smiled.

“We’re almost done,” John took a deep breath and another long sip of coffee from our third pot.

“But I’m finally just getting into this.”

“We scrap Veterans Affairs and ship everything over to...” John paused for me.

“Defense, right?” I suggested excitedly.

“Right.  And the Justice Department loses the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to Defense.”

“Yes, yes, that’s good,” I agreed happily.

“The FBI joins up with Defense...the Federal Bureau of Prisons lands along with Tribal Justice lands in Interior.”

“Great ideas, John.”

“But here is my final stroke of genius.  Two completely New Cabinet Departments.

“What are they?” I could hardly contain my excitement.

“The Department of Men and the Department of Women.”

“Bravo!” I jumped up from my chair.

“OK.  That’s too much coffee for you,” Beverly removed the three pots and dropped the bill on our table.  

“What do you think of our remodeled Cabinet?” John asked expectantly.

“I think a lady would do a better job of merging everything. For example, you don’t need two separate departments for men and women.”

“Why not?” We asked in unison.

“Simple.  They’re not equal.   Just make it the Department of Women and Others.”

Steve Coon

October 04, 2012