Wiston Papers

It's not the economy, stupid.  It's the moderators.

“We have three specials today, ” Beverly advised as she made her weekly coffee rounds. “Brazilian Bourban Santos 2, a Yeman Arabian Mocha, and a Sumatra Ankola.”

“Well, I think I’d like the Bourban Santos,” I answered.

“Man, I loved last night’s Prez debate,” John enthused as he plopped down in his chair.

“Beverly, on second thought...go heavy on the Bourban and light on the Santos,” I urged.

“Good choice,” Beverly patted me sympathetically on the shoulder.

“OK, John...why?” not really anxious to learn.

“Yeah, I’m really loving the give and take,” John began to clarify.

“The issues are important and the candidate’s positions are critically decisive,” I brightened in anticipation of John’s interest in the nation’s welfare.

“Issues...smissues...who cares about that?  It’s not the economy, stupid.  It’s the moderators.”

“Beverly, make that straight Bourban and skip the Santos altogether,” I begged.

“First debate, it was that ancient Jim Lehrer who let Obama and Romney run all over him,” John pronounced knowlingly.

“And did you see how he was dressed?” Beverly added as she poured a long, tall refill.  "He had a navy blue suit, with blue shirt, and polka dot red and white tie.  He looked like a faded American flag.”

“But he asked good questions,” I protested.

“Heck, no one listened to those.  He couldn’t stop the Obama-Romney runaway express.  I wanted to call 911 to rescue him,” John opined.

“They did kind of take control of the debate from him,” I conceded.

“And then Martha Raddatz and the VPs last week.  She’s one snarky lady.  I wouldn’t want to get crosswise with her,” John warned.

“But what did you think of the Joe Biden and Paul Ryan answers?” I wanted to know.  

“Man, the VPs don’t matter, bro.  America just tuned in to watch Martha and send tweets and post to Facebook.”

“I certainly did,” Beverly said.  “Can you believe that black dress she wore?  Like, she disappeared into the background.  All you could see was her blonde head bobbing on top of a slightly ruffled white blouse.  And her earrings...hello?”

“Wait I minute.  I thought she had a professional, natural look...”

“That so-called natural look came right out of a peroxide bottle,” Beverly muttered as she left.

“Look, John, this is ridiculous.  Americans are interested in how the next president will lead this country,” I argued.

“Not so, man.  Get with the program.  Everyone’s talking about CNN’s Candy Crowley this morning.  How she dressed, how she wore her hair and makeup...a black jacket over a black and white top.  I even heard that one guy in Wisconsin tweeted that she was too heavy to be on TV.”

“Give me a break.  Her looks are so irrelevant,” I grumbled.  Look, what did the candidates say about jobs?”

“Jim Lehrer asked something about that in the first debate two weeks ago, but his question could have been more assertive.  No points for laziness,” was John’s assessment.

“What are they going to do about the housing market?”  I pressed.

“Martha Raddatz was way more aggressive than Lehrer.  I give her a thumbs up for style,” John evaluated.

“Did Romney and Obama get specific about education?” I growled.

“Good point.  Last night's undecided voters were better interrogators than Candy Crowley.  Maybe CNN should hire them. That college student Jeremy who asked the first question needs a job.” John suggested.

“We’ve got foreign policy challenges that could negatively affect America’s future,”  I leaned forward threateningly.  “Which candidate has the answer for those problems?”

“Don’t have a clue.  But moderator Bob Schieffer will surely ask that question in the final debate.  But I’m really worried about it.”

“Finally you’re making sense.  You’re interested in our foreign policy,” I noted hopefully.

“Oh...that...no.  I’m worried that Schieffer will fall asleep halfway through the 90-minute debate.”

“Unbelievable,” I almost fainted.

“Yeah, the moderators this year really are lame.  I think we should pick a different group in 2016.  Kim Kardashian could certainly add some buzz to the political scene.  From  the domestic front she certainly would be revealing,” John began to write down names.

“Hey, don’t forget Robert Downey, Jr.,” recommended Beverly as she handed me the bill.  “He’s certainly had foreign experience.  Didn’t he meet his wife in Canada?”

“Good grief,” I began to sob.

Steve Coon

October 17, 2012