Wiston Papers

Are the presidential campaigns unconstitutional?

“I’m suing President Obama and Mitt Romney,” John threatened as he sat down at our booth.

“You can’t sue the President,” I protested.

“Easy, easy now,” our waitress Beverly mediated.  “John’s a big boy he can do whatever he wants.  Have some of our Tanzania Arusha special.”

“No, not that,” I tried to explain.  “You can’t sue the President while he’s in office.”

“Paula Jones sued Bill Clinton for sexual harassment,” John clarified.

“Are you saying that Obama and Romney harassed you?” I gaped.

“Of course not.  But they’ve violated my Constitutional rights.  ...my 8th amendment rights...or is it the 5th.  I never can keep them straight.”

“I could use a fifth about now,” I mulled.

“I can always find some attorney to represent me,’ John said confidently.

“Well, that’s true. Some lawyer will always take any case.  But what in the world did Obama and Romney do that is unconstitutional?”  I pondered.

“Simple.  I’ve been subjected to cruel and unusual treatment,” John tried to persuade.

“Cruel and unusual treatment?  What are you talking about,” I exclaimed.

“The presidential campaign, silly.  It’s been going on forever,” John began.

“True.  It certainly seems like an eternity,” I agreed.

“I’ve been accosted by more presidential hopefuls here in Iowa than I could shake a stick at,” John noted. “Maybe I should accuse them of assault.”

“Hm...it was a pack attack when they were here,”  I recalled.

“And those TV commercials.  I can’t turn on my TV without seeing either Obama or Romney,”  John sipped. “They never stop.  It’s like Chinese water torture.  I feel like I’m being stalked.”

“Speaking of China...,” I thought.

“Don’t remind me about those four debates I just had to endure.  My  favorite TV show Jersey Shore was preempted because of Obama and Romney.”

“That certainly is cruel,” I smiled.

“Don’t forget Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” Beverly chimed in with a refill.  “She’s sooooooooo cute.”

“Speaking of unusual,” I moaned.

“And the  moderators.  It was inhumane,”  John shook his head.  “Maybe I could get an injunction against them, too”

“OK...OK...If you sue, what are you after?” I questioned.

“I just want a quiet life where I can drink my coffee in peace without some candidate pestering me for my vote,”  John got up slowly,  dropped his money on the table,  and shuffled out the door.

“This is it?”  Said Beverly with her hands on her hips.  “You call this a tip?  Now that’s really cruel and unusual punishment.”

Steve Coon

October 24, 2012