Wiston Papers

It's that time again.  And the champion is...

“I think you should try our Ethiopia Washed Yirgacheffe Aroma Roast,” waitress Beverly advised looking at John.

Glancing my way she suggested, “And a Bourban Variety of Arabica woud be just your cup of tea.”

“Aren’t we mixing metaphors?” I wondered.

“I’ve crunched the numbers and they all work out,” John announced.

“And these would be numbers for what?”  I asked cautiously.

“The big game of course,” John looked at me surprisingly.  “The BCS championship game in college football.”

“Oh, yes, the Bogus Championship Series,” I grunted.

“Not Bogus...Bowl Championship...it’s Bowl Championship,” John corrected.

“It should be the Bull.... Championshp Series because it’s always Alabama,” I complained.

“Well, ‘Bama did play last year...” John admitted.

“Yeah, they played a team  they lost to earlier in the regular season.  How dumb is that?” I argued.  “And they’ve already lost a game this year.  So it’s dumb and dumber.”

“Uh...OK...but...”

“The Broken Championship Series doesn’t consider any other teams with similar records.  Nope, it’s always got to be the Crimson Tide,”  I raised my voice, took a big swallow of Arabica, and glared.

“I know that it seems like that, but...”

“Let’s count the other one-loss teams,” I began.  “There’s Kansas State, but they won’t play for the Braindead Championship Series national title because they’re not Alabama (MAKING THE QUOTE SIGN WITH MY HANDS).”

“True, but...”

“And the Blunderhead Championship Series won’t consider Oregon because they’re not Alabama (MAKING THE QUOTE SIGN WITH MY HANDS).”

"It could be..."

“Florida has only one loss, but the Blockheaded Championship Series won’t choose them because they’re not Alabama (MAKING THE QUOTE SIGN WITH MY HANDS).”

“I think the reason for that is...”

Kent State is 11-1 but the Befuddled Championship Series won’t pick them because they’re not Alabama (MAKING THE QUOTE SIGN WITH MY HANDS).”

“Um...maybe it's...”

“What about Northern Illinois?” I challenged.  “It has only a single loss.  But the Bewildered Championship Series wouldn’t dare choose them because they’re not Alabama (MAKING THE QUOTE SIGN WITH MY HANDS).”

“But their conference is not as...”

“Yes, yes, I know.  The Division 1 football conferences,” I began.  “You have the Big 12 but it has only 8 teams.  The name represents more hope than achievement.”

“You have to understand that...”

“And you’re a fan of the Big 10 and it’s soon-to-be 14 teams.  But the name reflects the average intellectual level of the schools...none can count higher than 10.”

“Wait a minute,...”

“The Pac-12 actually has 12 members.  But probably because one of its schools, Stanford, has more Nobel Laureats that all the other conferences combined.  The Nobel winners probably helped the league  count its universities and then rename the conference accordingly.”

“Look,” John tried to counter “the national championship is really just...”

“A beauty contest is the phrase you’re looking for,” I interrupted.  Until the Bland Championship Series is really serious and has a playoff system, it’s always going to be just a mythical title.”

“In fact, they are,” John brightened.  “Next year there will be a four-team playoff and...”

“Four teams you say.  And the Boorish Championship Series will make sure that one of them is Alabama,” I criticized.

“Well, you two certainly had a lively conversation.  It must have been the coffee specials,” Beverly guessed as she refilled our cups a final time and dropped the bill on the table.

“Yes, my Ethiopian Yirgacheffe Aroma Roast was delicious,” John agreed.

“My Bourbon Arabica had an oddly familiar flavor that I can’t quite place,” I puzzled.

“Oh, I thought you’d like it.  It’s a domestic blend...from Alabama.”

Steve Coon

November 26, 2012