Wiston Papers

Just in time for Super Bowl XLVII...new football cliches

In an earlier blog I wrote about the changing nature of English.  I complained that English speakers and writers are responsible for the fluid nature of the language because they  misuse words.  Most often because an incorrect word is chosen to describe a person, place or event.  And over time this error becomes widespread, accepted, and replaces the correct word, which is subsequently discarded and forgotten.

However, sometimes change is good.  Take football.

Super Bowl XLVII will  be played February 03 in New Orleans to determine the 2012 champion of the National Football League (NFL).  Only the quadrennial World Cup surpasses the Super Bowl in television ratings and fan enthusiasm.

This year’s professional contestants are the San Francisco 49rs of the National Football Conference (NFC) against the Baltimore Ravens of the American Football Conference (AFC).

All sport has its jargon—terms that coaches, officials, players, spectators and sports journalists have adopted to describe competition.  As we approach the 50th anniversary of the Super Bowl, I think its time for a football facelift.  The current descriptions of the game are old, tired, worn out.  Like stale fish and guests who have stayed too long, they need to go.   To put it simply, we need new football clichés.

As America prepares to scale back its military commitments around the world and downsize the nation’s armed forces, it’s time to discard the battle lexicon of sport in favor of a new vocabulary.  One that is more in tune with the new focus of America on the economy and the private sector.

Here’s what I suggest:

“Welcome to Super Bowl 47 from New Orleans--the Big Easy--the city that combines the Religious Revelry of Mardi Gras with an undercurrent of Licentious Paganism.  It’s an appropriate metaphor only moments away from the clash between two football teams that pursue contrasting philosophies in style and personalities.  Who operate like Conglomerates where Greed is Good and the Goal Line is as sacred and worshipped as the Bottom Line.

“This is the Brothers Brawl, Siblings Squabble--a Family Feud between the two head football coaches John Harbaugh who is Chairman of the Board for the Baltimore Ravens and Jim Harbaugh who is Chief Executive Officer of the San Francisco 49rs.

“Who will emerge from this DNA Division, RNA Rivalry, Chromosome Conflict that has shaken the Family Tree and whose Branches have Overshadowed the athletic contest between their respective teams?”

“Like two Wall Street Warriors, the San Francisco 49rs hope to Strike Gold as they collide with the Raucous Ravens of Baltimore.  Will it Pan Out for the Prospectors of the Bay Area Braggadocios or will Baltimore Boast Dividends when the Fourth Quarter Returns are counted?

“The enmity between these two Enterprises is as thick as a Corporate Prospectus and as tense as a Latte-infused Testosterone Boardroom rush as they struggle for dominance of the football Market.  Each Colossus is sure to Roll Out New Designs to steal Shelf Space and force the Competition into Chapter 11 Receivership.”

“The Left Coast 49rs have faith in quarterback Colin Kaepernick--the skipping, scooting, squirming Director of Operations who has oozed free of the Grasping Claws of opponents all season.  Will Wunderkind Colin escape the Treacherous Talons of the Clawing, Clutches of Baltimore this afternoon?  Will this Ballerina of the Boardroom triumph or trip?  Will his Performance today merit an End-of-the Year Executive Bonus or will he seek Bankruptcy Protection?

“The Football Fiduciary Fortunes of the Eastern Seaboard Ravens rest with Stay-at-Home Joe Flacco.  A quarterback who is more comfortable Barricaded behind his Behemoth blockers where he can Survey and Pinpoint Marketplace Targets with precision.  He eschews flamboyance in favor of finesse.  A CPA whose modus operandi has all the charisma of a Spreadsheet.  He’ll Bank Success on finding the Right Numbers to reach his favorite Niche Consumers all day.  But can he withstand the flooding 49rs who threaten to inundate his haven and sweep him away like the flotsam of just one more drowned enterprise that finds itself underwater?

“Enterprise Enemies in an epic Corporate Collision.  This is will be no Amiable Arbitrage, no Tender Takeover, no  Inviting Initial Public Offer (IPO).  These are  Financial Foes in a Fiduciary Fight. Its West vs East in transcontinental tension and a geographic grudge.  It’s brother against brother, familial friction,  simmering siblings.

“It’s Super Bowl 47!”

Steve Coon

January 25, 2013