Wiston Papers

Is this how 2013 will be?

“Boys, you’re in for a treat today,” our waitress Beverly cheerfully greeted us for our weekly coffee.

“Our monthly Mexican theme continues with either Tapachula or Chiapas.”

“Yum...the Tapachula sounds good,” I answer enthusiastically.

“Whoa...what in the world are you wearing?” asks John. “You look like a nun.”

“I’m afraid for my job,” Beverly looks around, leans toward us and whispers, “I have to cover up. It’s my new habit.  Didn’t you hear about that Iowa Supreme Court ruling.  If my boss thinks I’m too attractive, he’ll fire me.”

“Well, I don’t think you have to worry too much about that,” muttered John.

“No coffee for you, buster.  You’ll be lucky if I come back with water,” Beverly glared.

“We’re in another good mood I see,” I said to John.  “You can share my coffee.”

“So far 2013 sucks,” complained John.

“What!” I startled.  “I thought you were looking forward to this year?  You’ve sworn off love life after three divorces, you’ve outsourced your Gay Marriage Counseling Service offshore, and you’ve...hm...I can’t remember.”

“Yeah, you’d think,” John looked around hoping for Beverly to return with coffee.  “So far I spent half of 2013 yesterday renewing my driver’s license.”

“Why?  Don’t you just go in, take an eye test, give them your money, and get a new license?”

“In your dreams.  Now you fill out a form the moment you enter the door.”

“OK...”

“Then they take a photo...give you a number...and you wait for the next available clerk.”

“That doesn’t seem so bad,” I wondered.

“...and you wait...and wait...and wait...for an hour!” John groused and again looked at Beverly who returned his gaze defiantly with her arms folded across her habit.

“Oh...I see your point,” I commisserated.  “That does seem long.  Say, this coffee is really good.  You should have some,” I smiled sadistically.

“When you’re finally done, they tell you the license renewal is for only two years because you’re too old.”

“Did they actually say too old?”

“Not exactly,” John admitted “but after the long wait nobody actually gets a license.  They send it to you!”

“I may give up driving,” I joked and motioned to Beverly for a refill.

“Then there’s the swab test,” John shook his head.

“To get a driver’s license?” I put down my cup in shock.

“No, my kids want to know about my ancestry.”

“Are they preparing a paternity suit?”  “And these are children from which wife?”

“All of them,” John clarified. “They’ve heard that some humans actually have Neanderthal DNA and now the kids want to know if that explains my behavior.”

“Here’s your refill,” Beverly acknowledges me.  “Sorry, but none for caveman here,” she turns to John.  I’m not in the ‘habit” (making quotation marks with her hands) of serving Neanderthals.”

“Ouch,” I moaned mockingly.

“Whatever. Then there’s the Piers Morgan and Alex Jones fight,” John changes subject while eyeing my coffee longingly.

“Uh..Piers Morgan...you lost me.”

“Morgan made some anti-gun comment on his CNN TV show and now radio host Alex Jones has begun a petition to deport him back to England.”

“Really,” I sipped my coffee slowly watching John’s growing envy.

“But like everything else wrong with our government, the White House says it won’t do anything.”

“Deportation requests everywhere in the U.S. have declined I heard.  But I do remember that you were upset with foreigners taking aways American acting jobs,” I reminded.

“Acting! Don’t even go there.  The Oscars nominations were announced yesterday...and none of my favorite movies made it.”

“That’s surprising,” I noted sarcastically.  “What movie were you rooting for?”

“Why, Breaking Dawn — Part 2, of course, with actors Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson!  I was shocked that they were dissed.  It was a tour de force.”

“No doubt.  I wonder why they didn’t get the nod,” I savored my Tapachula.  “This is delicious, I can hardly wait to try the Chiapas next time.

“Why thank you,” Beverly noted sprightly.  “As for you, John, as you say in your native Neanderthal...‘Grunt, Grunt.’”

Steve Coon

January 11, 2013