Wiston Papers

I like people.   It's just the businesses they work for I despise.

“John, you’re especially attentive to your cell phone,” I note as we gather for our first coffee klatch of 2013.

“Shoo,” John interrupts as the wrinkles deepen on his forehead.  “I’m trying to program technology...again.”

“Happy New Year, boys” our waitress Beverly attempts to cheer us.  “Are you ready for a better year than last?”

“How could it be worse?” grumbles John as he pokes insistently at his phone’s miniscule keypad.

“I’ve got just the ticket. Our coffee specials this first week of 2013 are Mexican imports Altura Orizaba and Oaxaca Pluma,” Beverly encourages.

“Probably smuggled in by undocumented workers” John groans sarcastically.

“I’ll bring a full pot of each,” Beverly shakes her head as her smile wanes.  “Looks like this year will be just like the last...” she exhales as she strides off.

“Happy New Year, John, and what’s wrong now?” I brace myself with my first strong caffeine swallow of 2013.

“I get DirecTV...”

“Well, it’s not exactly Mediacom but...”

“And I have CenturyLink for my home landline phone,” John glares.

“I see a pattern.  But your point is...”

“So...two months ago I had a chance to ‘bundle,’” (John makes the quote sign with his hands) “my DirecTV and CenturyLink telephone service into one bill.  

“Sounds like a good idea,” I conciliate.  

“I talked with a ‘helpful, customer service representative,’ (John makes the quote sign with his hands) “signed up and guess what happened?  It worked...but for only one month.   Now I’m back to separate bills again,”  John taps his cell phone on our table.

“Did you try to...” I try to intervene.

“Yes I did...twice,” John anticipates my suggestion.  “After lengthy conversations of explanations, apologies and promises from ‘helpful, customer service representatives’ (John makes the quote sign with his hands) “that the problem would be resolved, I tried again.”

“Good for you,” I cheer John and began another swallow of my Altura Orizaba.

“Forget it...” John reboots his phone.  “No luck.  I still have to pay two bills.”

“Hm...” I look around for help.

“Next I tried to program my CenturyLink landline phone,” John chugs his Oaxaca Pluma.  It only rings three times...before the calls roll over to my answering machine.  I can’t always reach it in time.”

“Well, you could always...”

“I did.  I phoned a CenturyLink ‘helpful customer service representative’ (John makes the quote sign with his hands) “to get specific, step-by-step instructions and followed them precisely.  Success!  I did the happy dance.”

“Congratulations!” I raise my hand for a high-five.

“In your dreams, compadre,” John ignores my bonding offer and pounds his phone against the edge of the table.  “The very next phone call...three rings and the answering machine.”

“Oh, that’s not good,” I began to panic between coffee sips. “But surely your cell phone...”

“Hello...can you hear me now?  I have Verizon.”

“OK I see what you mean. In other words...” I respond cautiously holding my cup somewhat firmly in increasingly shaky hands.

“You got it, bub.  I tried to enroll in automatic payment from my bank America’s Big Bank (ABB),”  John shifts position in his chair and stomps his cell phone with his foot.

“Let me guess, they...”

“Of course, I called both ABB and Verizon.  “We’d be happy to set that up for you,’” (John makes the quote sign with his hands) “said the helpful customer representative at the bank.”

“And...” I roll my eyes in sinking resignation.

““It would be our pleasure to assist you in that,” (John makes the quote sign with his hands) “said the helpful customer representative at Verizon.”

“Let me guess,” I nod as we both respond in unison.  “It didn’t work!”

“Beverly, can you help us here,” I plead.

“Of course,”  she assures.  “What you want is assurance that the good of 2012 will continue and the bad of last year will disappear.”

John and I exchange surprised glances.  “Uh...why...you’re right!”

“No problem, gentlemen.  John, let me take that phone from from you...and here is my bill.”

“But...” we both start to protest.

“Welcome to 2013...”  Beverly bounces away enthusiastically.  “...let the good times roll.”

Steve Coon

January 02, 2013