Wiston Papers

Is this really a soufflé?  That's news to me

“What’s wrong with journalism?”  As a former journalism professor and practitioner, I hear that question a lot.  Unfortunately, I wish I were able to declare strongly and sincerely “Nothing is wrong with the craft.  We’re doing exactly what we should be doing.”

The truth, of course, is all too apparent.  The media are not doing well.  Let’s go into the kitchen to explain what is wrong.

Assume that the journalist is a chef.  One who is preparing a traditional soufflé.  It’s not an easy creation--nor should it be if done carefully.  Here are the precise ingredients and steps.

--2 tablespoons finely grated Parmesan cheese

--1 cup whole milk

--2 and ½ tablespoons unsalted butter

--3 tablespoons unbleached flour

--1/2 teaspoon paprika

--1/2 teaspoon salt

--pinch of ground nutmeg

--4 large egg yolks

--5 large egg whites

--1 cup coarsely grated Gruyere cheese

--Place rack in lower-third of 400-degree  oven

--Butter 6-cup souffle dish

--Add Parmesan cheese & coat sides and bottom

--Warm milk in saucepan over medium heat to steam

--Melt butter in large saucepan over medium heat

--Add flour, whisk mixture to foam, but not to brown

--Remove saucepan from heat and let cool 1 minute

--Pour in warm milk, whisk until smooth

--Resume heating, cooking and whisking until thick

--Remove from heat, whisk in paprika, salt and nutmeg

--Add 1 egg yolk at a time, whisk to blend each one

--Scrape souffle base into large bowl

--Cool to lukewarm, cover and let stand at room temp

--In second bowl, beat egg whites until stiff but not dry

--Fold ¼ of whites into room temperature souffle base to lighten

--Fold other whites in 2 additions, gradually sprinkle Gruyere cheese

--Transfer butter to prepared dish

--Place dish in oven and reduce temperature to 375 degrees

--Keep oven door shut for first 20 minutes while baking

--Bake until souffle is puffy and golden brown on top.

--Serve immediately.

The careful, traditional chef/journalist will painstakingly observe each step to assure quality control.  And his diners/audience will be assured a product worth waiting for.  A feast prepared without constant distractions or demands that he prepare multiple other morsels while working on the primary gourmet delight.

However, here is how many contemporary reporters prepare this same recipe because they are competing with other chefs also cooking soufflés.  The most important thing is to finish first. But in the meantime, you believe you must respond to hungry customers already sitting at the table, unable to wait for a well-prepared feast, anxious for frequent samples of what you’re cooking.

TWITTER  Let everyone know that you’re making a soufflé.

--Quickly add a little grated cheese.  

--Splash in about a cup of skim milk

FACEBOOK Tell your audience why you chose a soufflé.

--Approximately 2-3 tablespoons of butter

--About 3 tablespoons flour of some kind

--Toss in a little paprika, salt and nutmeg

--Separate 5 egg yolks and white if you’ve got time

--Fill a cup with a second kind grated cheese

PINTEREST  Take a moment to post some pictures of you preparing your soufflé.

--Preheat the oven to 375 degrees so it warms faster

--Rapidly slap some butter on a souffle dish

--Spread your first cheese around dish quickly

--Warm some milk until it seems about right; can’t wait to steam

--Melt butter at same time in saucepan, flour and whisk for a couple of minutes

--Remove saucepan, pour in warm milk and whisk

--Recook for a couple of minutes

YOUTUBE  Record and post online each step you took.

--Throw in your paprika, salt, nutmeg and egg yolks as you whisk at same time

--Hurredly scrape souffle base into a large bowl

--Let cool a little bit while you quickly beat egg whites and cheese in another bowl until almost stiff

--Put this batter rapidly into prepared dish and into oven

--Raise temperature to  400 degrees to speed cooking

--Remove and serve ASAP

Congratulations!  You are the first chef/journalist to serve your soufflé; you beat the competition.  

Don’t worry that it doesn’t really look or taste like a soufflé.  Or that it isn’t very filling or satisfying.

We’ll understand.  You were too busy doing other things to really follow the recipe exactly.  And along the way you had to toss some scraps of your uncooked soufflé to your waiting diners/audience...anxious for any tidbit or tease of more.

Tomorrow you’ll apologize for the mistake you made in the recipe, of course.  But that’s OK.  You served your customers first today.  What more could we possibly want?

Steve Coon

February 21, 2013

Wiston Papers

Waiting 12 hours for the State of The Union Address.  How to spend the  time?

HIGH ANGLE SHOT OF INTERIOR OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IN WASHINGTON. D.C.  TIME IS 9:00 A.M. CAMERA ZOOMS SLOWLY INTO THE CENTER AISLE WHERE WE SEE SIX PERSONS SEATED...THREE ON EACH SIDE OF THE AISLE.

SITTING ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE TO THE RIGHT ARE PATRICIA DEFENDUS OF NORTH CAROLINA, HYRAM SLASHCASH OF OKLAHOMA, AND GUADALUPE ELENA IMIGRACION OF FLORIDA.

ON THE DEMOCRAT SIDE TO THE LEFT ARE ALONZO WASHINGTON SOCIALRIGHT OF CALIFORNIA, SHIRLEY HEALTHFUL OF IOWA, AND KIM YUNG-RETIREES OF OREGON

DEFENDUS FANNING HERSELF:    “I do declare that is an awful inconvenience...especially for a southern belle like myself.  Back home I’d have my servants do this.”

SOCIALRIGHT GLANCES UP FROM HIS NEWSPAPER PEERING OVER HIS READING GLASSES AT DEFENDUS:     “I bet they must really enjoy waitin’ on you all...maam.”

HEALTHFUL PATTING SOCIAL RIGHT ON THE ARM:  “Now, now, Alonzo. I’m sure that she means well.  It’s going to be a long 12 hours for all of us...and uncomfortable, too...before the State of Union Speech.  But we all wanted to be here to shake hands with the President.”

SLASHCASH LEANS ACROSS THE AISLE FROM HIS CHAIR AND EXTENDS HIS HAND TO YUNG-RETIREES:   “Excuse me.  I don’t believe we’ve met.  I’m Representative Hyram Slashcash of Oklahoma and you are...?

YUNG-RETIREES RESPONDS GRACIOUSLY:  “Representative Yung-Retirees of Oregon.  No.  We’ve not met before.  We Democrats seldom move this far right in the House.”

SLASHCASH LAUGHS AND TURNS TO HIS COLLEAGUE:  “Let me introduce all of you to my fellow Republican Senator Lupe.”

IMIGRACION CORRECTS SLASHCASH:  “Hi, I’m Guadalupe Elena Imigracion from Florida and I feel like I’m sequestered at the U.S. Mexican border waiting to be let in.  Looks like we’ll have time on our hands for the next 12 hours.”

HEALTHFUL:  Nice to meet you, Guadalupe.  I’m Representative Shirley Healthful of Iowa.  You’re right about our long wait.  At least we’re not like that 102 year old woman standing in line to vote for six hours.  No elderly person should be treated that way...especially those with health issues.”

SOCIALRIGHT TURNS TO DEFENDUS: “I’m afraid we didn’t get off to a good start. Some folks just need an extra push or help in the beginning.   I’m Senator Alonzo Socialright of California.  

DEFENDUS TURNS ON HER SOuTHERN CHARM AND HER NORTH CAROLINA DRAWL BECOMES MORE PRONOUNCED:  “Well, I’m quite charmed indeed, Senator Socialright.  And I do agree with the honorable Senator from California on the need for help.  It’s what I’m tryin’ to do prevent these awful budget cuts from hurtin’ our young fightin’ men and women and their families near all those important military basis that might be closed in North Carolina.  I’m sure with your own commitment to social justice you all know what I mean?”

YUNG-RETIREES ADDS SERIOUSLY:  “Justice also means we have to make sure our young people feel confident about their long-term future and retirement.”

IMIGRACION LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SHE LEANS CLOSE AND SPEAKS:  “Senator Socialright, Representatives Defendus and Yung-Retirees are all correct.  This budget is about justice...justice for everyone.  I could vote for some of your positions if it weren’t for the pendejos in my own party.  Rep. Healthful, I’m certain you have your share of obstacles on that side, too.”

HEALTHFUL SMILES:  “You got that right.  There’re too many Democrats tossing around what we call meadow muffins back home.  What we need is less grandstanding and  more honest talking.”

SOCIALRIGHT LEANS FORWARD, TOO:  “Please all of you just call me Al.   Guadalupe and Patricia, we’ve got a lot of jerks on this side of the aisle, too.  If it weren’t for the leadership, we’d have passed a good bill by now.”

DEFENDUS FLUTTERS HER FAN MORE FEVERISHLY:  “Al is correct.  I can vote for some cuts in military retirement benefits if it keeps open some of my bases back home and saves jobs.  Really, do we need to let military personnel retire after only 20 years?”

SOCIALRIGHT:  “See, Patricia gets it.  As you know I’d favor keeping a few agriculture subsidies if we could cut others and divert that money to early education for the poor.”

“SLASHCASH BECOME MORE EXCITED:  “Good idea.  And if we can merge some unnecessary, duplicate government programs, that frees money for your social programs like Social Security and Medicare.”

HEALTHFUL NODDING THOUGHTFULLY:  “You know, the farmers and elderly in my state would go along with some partial reductions in ag subsidies if it means a few key subsidies remained and the savings assured Social Security and health benefits.  Yeah, that would work.”

IMIGRACION ADDS ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND EMPHATICALLY:  “Don’t forget.  Real immigration reform means the U.S. has more legal workers paying more taxes. That in turn means more money for the government without raising taxes and more money for job training for current American citizens.  If you vote for immigration reform, you got my vote here.  Yeah, this is a plan.”

YUNG-RETIREES CALCULATING QUIELY AS EVERYONE TALKS:  “The math does work.  More money from more workers in the private sector means more money for the government but no tax increases.  That makes the GOP happy.  And more government money means more funds to keep and strengthen programs for the poor such as early education and job training.  And Social Security and Medicare for the elderly which we Democrats like. Yes. I like it.  I like it al ot.”

THE HOURS PASS, THE SIX CONTINUE TO TALK.  AT 9:03 P.M. AS THE PRESIDENT WALKS DOWN AISLE FOR HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, SENATORS IMIGRACION AND SOCIALRIGHT SQUEEZE NOTES INTO HIS HAND.

“Mr. President, here’s something both parties can agree on...without the interference of our current Congressional leadership.  I think you’ll find it interesting reading...and you know where you can reach us.”

FADE TO BLACK

GRAPHIC:                "To be continued..."

FADE OUT

Steve Coon

February 17, 2013

Wiston Papers

Love in the Friendly Skies?  Not so much

John stumbled to his chair just as our waitress, Beverly, arrived with two pots of coffee.

“Hi, lover boys.  Our Valentine’s Week Special continues with your choice of either Tizapa or Cafe Pepil...both from El Salvador,” she encouraged smilingly.

“I thought Valentine’s Day was an American holiday,” grumbled John, “not some import from south of the border.”

“I’ll leave both pots for you unromantics,” Beverly shook her head.

“Not in a loving mood,” I hinted coyly as I sampled my first cup of Tizapa.

“I’ve been flying all over the U.S.A the past three weeks and I’ve been jilted by the airline industry,” John flirted with his Cafe Pepil.

“But maybe the marriage of US Airways with American Airlines I just read about will be a joyful union,” I proposed.  

“It’s not the match made in heaven that’s bad,” John charmed.  “It’s the language the flight crew uses that’s the turn off.”

“Uh...are you leading me on?” I fancied.

“We don’t get on an airplane,” John courted. “Instead we pre-board.  Doesn’t than mean I have to get on and off more than once?”

“Well, it does seem...”

“Next we have instructions about our carry-on luggage.  If I have luggage with me, of course I carried it on,” John sipped his coffee adoringly.”

“I agree that...”

“Then we have to take our seats and make sure our seatbelts are fastened correctly.  I just want to sit down.  I don’t want to take my seat anywhere,” John teased.  “And is there a wrong way to fasten a seat belt?”

“True, it doesn’t...”

“The crew directs our attention to the television monitors for safety information,” John beguiled.  “They don’t ever ask us to actually watch the message.  So I don’t.”

“That seems a little rude of you,” I sulked rejectedly.

“Not really.  I was told to turn off all electronic equipment so I shut down my hearing aid.  Thank God I don’t have a pacemaker,” John enchanted.

“OK.  But once the plane is actually  flying...”

“Oh, we never fly.  We have a cruising speed. And it gets worse,” John coaxed.  “We enter a turbulence zone.  Why can’t the crew just say we’re in for bad weather and it’s going to be a bumpy ride?”

“Yes, I seem to recall that Bette Davis said something like that,” I wooed as I savored my enticing swallow.

“Oh, and the flight attendants don’t walk down the airplane aisle, they pass around the cabin,” John enthralled.  “It sounds too ghostly for my taste.”

“I admit that the language could be more down to earth,” I embraced.

“I had to sit next to an emergency exit,” John cooed. “The attendant said if I didn’t want to perform the emergency instructions that she would reseat me.  I told her there was nothing wrong with my posterior.  But I’d certainly move somewhere else  if I couldn’t open the door and let people get out.”

“Isn’t that what she was trying to say?” I demurred.

“Just before we land, we have to check for any personal belonging.  I suppose that’s better than impersonal belongings...not that I’m on intimate terms with them...or want to.  But isn’t that fancy language for ‘what you brought with you?’” John makes the quote sign passionately with his fingers.

“I think the crew is just trying to...”

“That’s followed by a final compliance check, which seems threatening...no friendly skies for me.”

“Maybe it would help if...”

“Oh they want to be helpful all right.  They even offer deplaning assistance after the final descent,” John infused.  “No thank you.  I’d  just be happy if they helped me get off the plane after it landed.”

“In other words you...”

“In other words, I was not enamored of my trip.”

“So what did you boys get me for Valentine’s Day?” Beverly whispered seductively as she refilled our cups provocatively.

“We graced you with our usual weekly presence,” John winked.

“Yeah, like that’s any gift,” Beverly rebuffed.  “You just crashed and burned, big talker.”

“What did she say?” John queried.

“Your overture was insufficient...resulting in an accelerated descent and subsequent conflagration.”

“In other words...?”John tormented.

“That’s a big negatory.”

Steve Coon

February 14, 2013

Wiston Papers

We need a National Identification Card

The United States is moving closer to a required National Identity Card for all residents.  It is the right step and is long overdue.

But the current legislation--the REAL ID Act--does little to reduce the myriad of unnecessary documentation Americans and legal visitors either carry or need as proof of citizenship or eligibility for a host of programs.

Congress passed the REAL ID Act in 1995 to comply with the 9/11 Commission recommended standards for approved identification documents for persons in America.  REAL ID established minimum requirements for an acceptable identification card.  The most commonly mentioned document is a state driver’s license, but others are legal, too.

However, well intended, REAL ID serves only to multiply rather than reduce the number of acceptable forms of identification.  The danger of such multiplicity is apparent...increased probability of forged or bogus IDs due to the impossible task of verifying a score of different documents.  This is simply wrong.

Homeland Security accepts valid state driver’s licenses as acceptable under the REAL ID Act.  But each of the 50 states has a different style and format.  To expect anyone to be intimately familiar with the variety of all 50-state licenses and to detect fraudulent ones is impractical.  Ask anyone responsible for checking the IDs of university students who come to a bar from all 50 states and you can easily see why so many underage students easily elude detection.

Other currently acceptable IDs include a U.S. passport, university or college enrollment cards, various Department of Defense Identification Cards, birth certificates, immigration green cards, NEXUS and SENTRI cards for travel between Canada, the U.S. and Mexico, and Native American tribal documents.  

There are others...too many others...and that is precisely the problem.

The obvious solution is a single card for all persons in the United States. Just as we have only one legal currency in America, likewise we should require every person within our borders to carry a single the National Identification Card...a Social Security Card.  No other documentation should be permitted as proof of identity, citizenship, legal residency, permission to drive, or eligibility for social and health benefits.

Every child born in the United States would be named, swabbed for a DNA sample, and registered immediately with the Department of Social Security (SS).  The DNA and registration would then be sent to SS for insertion as biometric data on a new SS card. All SS information and data would concurrently be registered with all national law enforcement records.  

Every legal immigrant or resident would be subject to the same application and registration process.

The SS Card would contain the photograph of the owner, be encoded with DNA, fingerprint and retinal scan technology, must be renewed every two years, and replace current state driver’s licenses.  

    There will be opposition to this controversial plan, of course.  The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)  claims that a single National ID would increase surveillance and monitoring of U.S. residents.  True and that is desirable.

    Honest people have nothing to hide or fear.  But individuals engaged in illegal acts should be apprehended quickly and a single National ID card would expedite their location and detention.  

    Civil libertarians fear a centralized database of all Americans.  I, for one, favor such a repository that is easily accessible by national and local authorities.  There currently are too many disparate archives.  Communication failures  and lack of coordination among existing law enforcement agencies are compounded by the absence of such a centralized database.

    Citizen rights advocates claim that a National ID would increase instances of discrimination and risk denying certain persons of voting rights.  The opposite is true.  A single National ID would provide easily verifiable, irrefutable evidence of citizenship and eligibility.   

    Other opponents fear potential prosecutorial abuse by overly-zealous attorneys and a future malevolent government with easy access to our personal histories.  I am optimistic than current and future legal and technological safeguards will prevent such a scenario.

   

    Identify theft if you use a SS Card for identification?  Not if properly encoded...and that technology will soon exist.

    It is time for a single, easily verifiable, uniform National Identification Card...the Social Security Card.  Let’s trash the score of documents now in use, streamline and centralize the appropriate collection and storage of identification data including DNA, and tighten the monitoring and tracking of all residents in the United States.

Steve Coon

February 06, 2013

Wiston Papers

Senator Harkin retirement is good...if we're prepared to act wisely

Iowa Democrat Senator Tom Harkin announced January 26 that he would not seek reelection when his term expires next year.  

The announcement brings to three the number of U.S. Senators to declare plans to retire at the end of their current terms--Georgia Republican Saxby Chambliss (after 9 years in the upper chamber)  and West Virginia Democrat John D. Rockefeller IV (28 years in the Senate).

Already Iowa professional politicians are salivating over the prospect of succeeding Harkin--the 40-year liberal voice of the Hawkeye State.  Democrat Senate wannabes are lining up to toss their proverbial hats into the ring.  No less enthusiastic are Iowa’s Republicans who see what they perceive as a long-overdue opportunity to elect a fellow GOP representative to join Senator Chuck Grassley on Capitol Hill.

Still two years away from Harkin’s exit, Iowa’s senatorial aspirants are emerging like a swarm of bees stirred by a stick probing their hive.

Many of the hopefuls include persons--both Democrats and Republicans--who’ve failed to excite Iowa’s voters in earlier unsuccessful campaigns either for governor or Congress.  And there is little reason to believe that they have realistic chances of succeeding Harkin given their track records.  But they are giddy about the prospect of what--for all practical purposes--is a virtual lifetime job of power and prominence.

Even Mr. Harkin acknowledged the addictive nature of his job and why he’s remained in Washington for 40 years.  “To walk away from this position and this power is not an easy thing,” he confessed.  

That’s exactly the point and that’s why we need to overhaul Congress and reform how we choose our representatives.  It is about power and the position; it is not about what is in the public interest.

Let’s be honest.  Neither Democrat Harkin, Republican Chuck Grassley or any other Iowa member of Congress is truly a public servant.  They are professional politicians--driven by egos inflated by their delusion self-importance. Yes, they may go to Washington at first with hopes of making a difference, optimistic that their fresh ideas and energy will result in meaningful legislation for Iowans.  But once inside the Beltway (the freeway that encircles the nation’s capital), they soon are seduced by lobbyists flush with cash, flocks of media hanging on every pronouncement, and royal perquisites of their office.

Soon they forget their original purpose.  They exchange Congressional longevity for constituent commitment, they accept a lifestyle that is alien to average Americans, and they introduce bills and pass legislation to which they are not subject but affect the rest of us.  Obama care is the most recent example--a health program that touches no one in Congress, but the rest of America must endure.

Quite simply, Harkin, Grassley and the rest of Iowa’s legislative delegation stay too long, lose touch with the voters of the Hawkeye State, fail to introduce fresh ideas for the nation’s problems, and work solely to remain in office.

This is wrong and we Americans should not accept it.  Instead, we should demand that our representatives go to Washington for a limited number of years then return home.  We should refuse appeals by professional politicians for reelection if they fail to fight for our interests.  We should not be fooled by the false claims that the longer legislators remain in office, the greater their influence on our behalf.  The record of Messers Harkin, Grassley and other lifetime politicians does not support this contention.

I celebrate Senator Harkin’s decision to retire in 2014.  He has stayed too long.  And I hope that I can soon rejoice in the similar words from Sen. Grassley.

Make no mistake.  I have supported and voted for some members of Iowa’s congressional delegation.  But I stop after they have been Washington for more than six years (a single Senatorial term) or have failed to fulfill their initial campaign promises (often after two terms for member of the House of Representatives).

I believe that public service is a worthy calling.  Persons who are prepared to sacrifice their welfare for the public good are to be lauded and supported.  But when that commitment erodes, when their personal welfare supplants those of their constituents, they cease to be public servants and evolve into public leeches.

I wish Mr. Harkin well in his new life.  I hope that other professional politicians will join him soon.

Steve Coon

January 28, 2013

Wiston Papers

Just in time for Super Bowl XLVII...new football cliches

In an earlier blog I wrote about the changing nature of English.  I complained that English speakers and writers are responsible for the fluid nature of the language because they  misuse words.  Most often because an incorrect word is chosen to describe a person, place or event.  And over time this error becomes widespread, accepted, and replaces the correct word, which is subsequently discarded and forgotten.

However, sometimes change is good.  Take football.

Super Bowl XLVII will  be played February 03 in New Orleans to determine the 2012 champion of the National Football League (NFL).  Only the quadrennial World Cup surpasses the Super Bowl in television ratings and fan enthusiasm.

This year’s professional contestants are the San Francisco 49rs of the National Football Conference (NFC) against the Baltimore Ravens of the American Football Conference (AFC).

All sport has its jargon—terms that coaches, officials, players, spectators and sports journalists have adopted to describe competition.  As we approach the 50th anniversary of the Super Bowl, I think its time for a football facelift.  The current descriptions of the game are old, tired, worn out.  Like stale fish and guests who have stayed too long, they need to go.   To put it simply, we need new football clichés.

As America prepares to scale back its military commitments around the world and downsize the nation’s armed forces, it’s time to discard the battle lexicon of sport in favor of a new vocabulary.  One that is more in tune with the new focus of America on the economy and the private sector.

Here’s what I suggest:

“Welcome to Super Bowl 47 from New Orleans--the Big Easy--the city that combines the Religious Revelry of Mardi Gras with an undercurrent of Licentious Paganism.  It’s an appropriate metaphor only moments away from the clash between two football teams that pursue contrasting philosophies in style and personalities.  Who operate like Conglomerates where Greed is Good and the Goal Line is as sacred and worshipped as the Bottom Line.

“This is the Brothers Brawl, Siblings Squabble--a Family Feud between the two head football coaches John Harbaugh who is Chairman of the Board for the Baltimore Ravens and Jim Harbaugh who is Chief Executive Officer of the San Francisco 49rs.

“Who will emerge from this DNA Division, RNA Rivalry, Chromosome Conflict that has shaken the Family Tree and whose Branches have Overshadowed the athletic contest between their respective teams?”

“Like two Wall Street Warriors, the San Francisco 49rs hope to Strike Gold as they collide with the Raucous Ravens of Baltimore.  Will it Pan Out for the Prospectors of the Bay Area Braggadocios or will Baltimore Boast Dividends when the Fourth Quarter Returns are counted?

“The enmity between these two Enterprises is as thick as a Corporate Prospectus and as tense as a Latte-infused Testosterone Boardroom rush as they struggle for dominance of the football Market.  Each Colossus is sure to Roll Out New Designs to steal Shelf Space and force the Competition into Chapter 11 Receivership.”

“The Left Coast 49rs have faith in quarterback Colin Kaepernick--the skipping, scooting, squirming Director of Operations who has oozed free of the Grasping Claws of opponents all season.  Will Wunderkind Colin escape the Treacherous Talons of the Clawing, Clutches of Baltimore this afternoon?  Will this Ballerina of the Boardroom triumph or trip?  Will his Performance today merit an End-of-the Year Executive Bonus or will he seek Bankruptcy Protection?

“The Football Fiduciary Fortunes of the Eastern Seaboard Ravens rest with Stay-at-Home Joe Flacco.  A quarterback who is more comfortable Barricaded behind his Behemoth blockers where he can Survey and Pinpoint Marketplace Targets with precision.  He eschews flamboyance in favor of finesse.  A CPA whose modus operandi has all the charisma of a Spreadsheet.  He’ll Bank Success on finding the Right Numbers to reach his favorite Niche Consumers all day.  But can he withstand the flooding 49rs who threaten to inundate his haven and sweep him away like the flotsam of just one more drowned enterprise that finds itself underwater?

“Enterprise Enemies in an epic Corporate Collision.  This is will be no Amiable Arbitrage, no Tender Takeover, no  Inviting Initial Public Offer (IPO).  These are  Financial Foes in a Fiduciary Fight. Its West vs East in transcontinental tension and a geographic grudge.  It’s brother against brother, familial friction,  simmering siblings.

“It’s Super Bowl 47!”

Steve Coon

January 25, 2013

Wiston Papers

Lance Armstrong turned the  Tour de France into  the Tour de Farce.

American cyclist Lance Armstrong has admitted what many observers suspected for years--that he was guilty of doping during his professional career.

Late summer the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) stripped Armstrong of his seven Tour de France championships dating back to his first victory  in 1999.  And this week the 41-year-old Texan told TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey that he had, in truth, taken performance-enhancing drugs despite years of denial.

The morning before the historic interview, John and I met for our weekly coffee klatch.

“Dope, dope, dope!”  John shook his head as he plopped on the chair across from me.

“Don’t be so tough on yourself, John,”  I comforted.  “Just don’t make another comment about Beverly’s appearance and this week you’ll get some coffee.  Careful, here she comes.”

“Say, you look stunning today,” John brightened as he saw our waitress Beverly.  “Wait, where’s your habit?”

“Thanks for noticing, Big Wheel,” Beverly smiles and begins pouring two cups of coffee.  “I don't have to hide myself anymore. My boss’s wife made him find another job so my attractiveness wouldn’t threaten his marriage,” Beverly fluffed her hair conceitedly.

“Why did you call me Big Wheel?” John asked.

“Oh, today’s when your bicycle hero Lance Armstrong spills the beans, fesses up to his drug use, and asks us to forgive him.  Speaking of beans, tell me later how you like the Guatemala Antigua I just served you.”

““Dope, dope, dope!” John shook his head again.  “Armstrong lied to us for years.  He said he didn’t take drugs.  I don’t trust any athlete anymore.”

“Cheer up and enjoy your coffee, John,” I consoled.  Maybe this will be a transformative moment.  Maybe this year the Tour de France and all the riders will wake up and smell the roses”

“You mean the Tour de Farce.  The only smelling will be the cyclists sniffing Poppies for cocaine,” John snorted.

“I’m sure you’ll feel differently come June 29th...the start of this year’s race.  It’s the 100th anniversary of the Tour.  Just remember the number 100,”  I beamed.

“Yeah, 100.  That’s how many kilos of drugs the bikers will take this year,” John popped off.

“No, no.  Think of the 21 stages of the race,” I blew my hot coffee carefully.  “There are seven flat stages...”

“That’s how the riders feel before they get a fix.”  John chased his first coffee sip.

“And the five hilly stages...”

“Probably the biker’s rocky feeling before the drugs kick in,” John pushed his chair closer to the table.  

“Don’t forget the six mountain stages with their four summit finishes,”  I injected.

“Phooey.  That’s just a euphanism for the drug high,”  John rolled on.

“Well, the team time trial may let the athletes support each other to stay clean,” I touted another attribute.

“You mean the team trials of different substances,” John relapsed.

“But think how inspiring the individual time trial can be,”  I hit up my next swallow.  “You’ve got to be clear headed for that speed stage.”

“It’s speed all right,” John nodded. “But it ain’t from the bike.”

“John, you’re forgetting all the pagentry, all the color...all...all...the color,” I blasted.

“Sure. Like the Green jersey for the leader of points classification?  Now I know it’s just a signal to other contestants to tell them who’s selling Marijuana...the weed, dude.”

“What about the Red Polka Dot jersey?” I tried to get through.

“Oh. That’s for best climber...got it?  The guy who can get you the fastest high.”

“John, surely the White jersey symbolizes purity of competition and love of sport,” I bit my lip slightly.

“Pure all right.  The youngest riders don that to signal they’ve got the purest quality cocaine.”

“And the Yellow jersey, John.  The Yellow one...” my eyes blazed.

“Mellow yellow, bro.  Yup.  Lot’s of ways to get stoned with anything from daffodils, to marijuana to banana peels.”

“But Armstrong says he took performance enhancing drugs,” John” I tried to clear up.  “Not these...these...these other kinds.”

“What have you been sniffing, man? Why does anybody take any drug?  You use them to boost your performance, but they also boost your mood, supposedly boost your perception, and even boost your coping mechanism.” John dabbled his spoon slowly in his cup.  “But it’s phoney.  It ain’t real.”

“Hey, guys.  Want another boost?” Beverly suggested.

“What!”  John and I both jumped.

“Whoa, fellows.  I’m just doubling up your cups,”  Beverly commented as she  dropped off her bill and started to walk away. “You guys are really jittery.  Let me get you a poppy seed muffin to calm your nerves.”

Steve Coon

January 16, 2013