Wiston Papers

Love in the Friendly Skies?  Not so much

John stumbled to his chair just as our waitress, Beverly, arrived with two pots of coffee.

“Hi, lover boys.  Our Valentine’s Week Special continues with your choice of either Tizapa or Cafe Pepil...both from El Salvador,” she encouraged smilingly.

“I thought Valentine’s Day was an American holiday,” grumbled John, “not some import from south of the border.”

“I’ll leave both pots for you unromantics,” Beverly shook her head.

“Not in a loving mood,” I hinted coyly as I sampled my first cup of Tizapa.

“I’ve been flying all over the U.S.A the past three weeks and I’ve been jilted by the airline industry,” John flirted with his Cafe Pepil.

“But maybe the marriage of US Airways with American Airlines I just read about will be a joyful union,” I proposed.  

“It’s not the match made in heaven that’s bad,” John charmed.  “It’s the language the flight crew uses that’s the turn off.”

“Uh...are you leading me on?” I fancied.

“We don’t get on an airplane,” John courted. “Instead we pre-board.  Doesn’t than mean I have to get on and off more than once?”

“Well, it does seem...”

“Next we have instructions about our carry-on luggage.  If I have luggage with me, of course I carried it on,” John sipped his coffee adoringly.”

“I agree that...”

“Then we have to take our seats and make sure our seatbelts are fastened correctly.  I just want to sit down.  I don’t want to take my seat anywhere,” John teased.  “And is there a wrong way to fasten a seat belt?”

“True, it doesn’t...”

“The crew directs our attention to the television monitors for safety information,” John beguiled.  “They don’t ever ask us to actually watch the message.  So I don’t.”

“That seems a little rude of you,” I sulked rejectedly.

“Not really.  I was told to turn off all electronic equipment so I shut down my hearing aid.  Thank God I don’t have a pacemaker,” John enchanted.

“OK.  But once the plane is actually  flying...”

“Oh, we never fly.  We have a cruising speed. And it gets worse,” John coaxed.  “We enter a turbulence zone.  Why can’t the crew just say we’re in for bad weather and it’s going to be a bumpy ride?”

“Yes, I seem to recall that Bette Davis said something like that,” I wooed as I savored my enticing swallow.

“Oh, and the flight attendants don’t walk down the airplane aisle, they pass around the cabin,” John enthralled.  “It sounds too ghostly for my taste.”

“I admit that the language could be more down to earth,” I embraced.

“I had to sit next to an emergency exit,” John cooed. “The attendant said if I didn’t want to perform the emergency instructions that she would reseat me.  I told her there was nothing wrong with my posterior.  But I’d certainly move somewhere else  if I couldn’t open the door and let people get out.”

“Isn’t that what she was trying to say?” I demurred.

“Just before we land, we have to check for any personal belonging.  I suppose that’s better than impersonal belongings...not that I’m on intimate terms with them...or want to.  But isn’t that fancy language for ‘what you brought with you?’” John makes the quote sign passionately with his fingers.

“I think the crew is just trying to...”

“That’s followed by a final compliance check, which seems threatening...no friendly skies for me.”

“Maybe it would help if...”

“Oh they want to be helpful all right.  They even offer deplaning assistance after the final descent,” John infused.  “No thank you.  I’d  just be happy if they helped me get off the plane after it landed.”

“In other words you...”

“In other words, I was not enamored of my trip.”

“So what did you boys get me for Valentine’s Day?” Beverly whispered seductively as she refilled our cups provocatively.

“We graced you with our usual weekly presence,” John winked.

“Yeah, like that’s any gift,” Beverly rebuffed.  “You just crashed and burned, big talker.”

“What did she say?” John queried.

“Your overture was insufficient...resulting in an accelerated descent and subsequent conflagration.”

“In other words...?”John tormented.

“That’s a big negatory.”

Steve Coon

February 14, 2013