Wiston Papers
“A collegium acutioribus”
OMINOUS MUSIC
FADE IN TO DIMLY LIT ROOM WITH A WIDE-SHOT OF THREE PERSONS STARING UNEASILY AT EACH OTHER.
CLOSE-UP OF A MAN LOOKING AT HIS DESK AND RUBBING HIS CHIN.
CLOSE-UP OF WOMAN WITH BLACK READING GLASSES AND A TWITCH OF HER MOUTH AS HER EYES DART NERVOUSLY FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER.
CLOSE-UP
OF SECOND MAN--WITH RECEDING HAIRLINE AND NEATLY TRIMMED
BEARD--OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO REMAIN CALM AS HE STARES INTENTLY AT THE MAN
BEHIND THE DESK.
CLOSE-UP OF SECOND WOMAN WHO IS COLORFULLY DRESSED WITH LARGE, DANGLING EARRINGS AND A SLIGHT SMILE.
CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF MAN BEHIND DESK--UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT DR. OLIVER GETTRICH:
FADE MUSIC UNDER:
GETTRICH: “We’ve got a serious problem.”
FIRST
WOMAN--ARTS AND LETTERS DEAN, DR. IRIS GOODLETTER: “I agree. The
light and temperature in this room are reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe’s
dark romanticism as exemplified by ‘The Cask of Amontillado.’”
SECOND
MAN--COMPUTER AND MATHEMATICAL PROGRAMS DEAN, DR. CHANG BAO TECHRIGHT:
“If I may respectfully disagree. The Wi-Fi connection is the problem.
I can’t get any text messages in this room.” (Fiddling with his cell phone)
SCIENCE
AND ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES DEAN, DR. MARIA GUADALUPE ROSA-GREEN:
“You’re both mistaken. It’s the physical and psychological constraints
of our setting that are not conducive to optimum cognitive tasks.”
GETTRICH: (Shouting)
“No, no, no, damn it. It’s money! That’s why I called you all here.
We’re hemorrhaging money and we’ve got to stem the flow. There’s too
many expenses and not enough cash to fund everything!”
ROSA-GREEN: (Smiling arrogantly) “Technically you have to stanch a hemorrhage not stem it.”
GOODLETTER: (Removes her glasses and proclaims seriously) “And
the correct grammatical structure should be ‘There ARE too many
expenses instead of there IS. It’s subject-predicate agreement, of
course.”
TECHRIGHT: (Looks up briefly from his cell phone) “Generally
Acceptable Accounting Principles would dictate that your assets most
likely are best determined by adhering to the Revenue Recognition
Principle that...”
GETTRICH (Interrupting) “I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of that crap.
“ROSA-GREEN: “Technically rat’s ass should be Rattus Norvegicus Anus, but rectum sometimes is used to...” (Stops in mid-sentence under Gettrich’s withering stare.)
GETTRICH:
“Shut up all of you and listen. The Board of Regents is threatening to
shut us down if we don’t get our financial house in order. In simple
terms, we’ve got to figure out how to teach all of our students with
less money. (Leaning back in his chair). So talk to me. Give me your ideas.”
ROSA-GREEN: “We could maximize efficiency by assigning students with discrete IQs to different classes.”
GETTRICH: (Taking notes) “Good, good, I like it.” What else?”
TECHRIGHT: (Still fiddling with his cell phone)
“We could actuate our curricula to program content based on demographic
criteria. That would eliminate unnecessary duplication and ineffective
course content across multiple classes ”
GOODLETTER: (Looking more nervous and mouth twitching more noticeably) “Composition and exposition are individualized activities. And creativity cannot be replaced by technology.”
ROSA-GREEN: (Leans toward Goodletter and says cattily) “Oh, come on, Goodletter. No one believes that bull. Even a robot could write better than most of our students.”
TECHRIGHT: (Switching to his iPad)
Dean Rosa-Green is quite correct. There have been significant advances
in robotic-generated prose--especially in sports stories. And now we
can even use computers to grade writing.”
GOODLETTER: (Her face turning red, removes her glasses angrily)
“This is outrageous. The National Council of Teachers of English last
month publicly declared its opposition to robot-evaluation of writing
and I agree strongly.”
GETTRICH: (Waving his hand to quiet everyone) “We’re getting off track. I like the idea of separate classes for the smart and dumb kids. How do we do that?”
ROSA-GREEN: (Smiles again) “Well, I prefer differentiated cognitive capabilities, but you can determine each student’s IQ with a simple visual test.”
GETTRICH: (Dropping his pen) “A what...”
GOODLETTER: (Her nervousness replaced by defiance) “Really, Rosa-Green, really? We’re going to judge students by what they read? You’ve got to be kidding!
TECHRIGHT:
“No, Dean Rosa-Green is right. There’s evidence that you can measure
IQ easily with an eye exam. And it’s quite predictive of classroom
performance.”
GETTRICH: (Leans back in his chair, looks into the distance and rubs his chin) “You mean that just by...”
ROSA-GREEN:
“Yes. Have every student on the first day of classes put on a hat with
electrodes, read the course syllabus, and “presto” you know within
minutes by how they read how intelligent they are!”
TECHRIGHT: (Shuts off his iPad and puts on glasses with an eye tap and adjusts his wearable computer)
“That’s exactly the process. Kids love these electronic gadgets.
Just ask them to wear an eyetap like this one while they read the
course outline and it sends the data directly to the university’s
computer center for processing.”
GOODLETTER: (Looking skyward)
“And the next day every student would be assigned to different
classrooms based on how well he/she read the syllabus? That sounds
ominously like George Orwell’s “1984.” President Gettrich, you’re not
seriously considering this Big Brother scenario are you?”
GETTRICH: (Swivelling nervously in his chair) “Well, we have to cut expenses if we’re going to survive.”
TECHRIGHT: “This plan does, in fact, save money and improves teaching.”
GOODLETTER: (Dubious but softening) “How exactly does it improve learning?”
ROSA-GREEN:
“First, the reading IQ test quickly identifies the learning potential
of each student and assigns him/her to the appropriate class.”
TECHRIGHT:
“Second, we can eliminate many of our adjunct faculty by delivering
virtual lectures using avatars, which our students will love.”
ROSA-GREEN:
“Third, these virtual lectures will be programmed to deliver
demographically- and intellectually-targeted material based on the
Perceptive Radio technology used by the BBC.” Each class gets a
different lecture.
GETTRICH: (Perplexed) “The perceptive what...?”
TECHRIGHT:
“Perceptive Radio. The BBC has developed software that changes the
story plot of a radio program based on who the listeners are and their
location.”
GETTRICH: “You mean...”
ROSA-GREEN:
“Exactly. Fewer teachers because we’re using avatars and virtual
lectures instead of real people. We don’t have to pay them.”
TECHRIGHT:
“And we program the avatars to deliver content appropriate for each
student’s intellect. Lower IQ students get the robots. And we can
teach the smart students ourselves.””
GETTRICH: “Yes, that would save money indeed.”
ROSA-GREEN: “It get’s even better. We can even begin to make money.”
GETTRICH: (Leans forward, smiling, toes tapping) “I’m all ears tell me more.”
ROSA-GREEN: (Continues triumphantly) “First, the reading IQ test quickly identifies exactly the type of students we want to come to the university.
In
fact, you could weed out the cognitively challenged applicants by
having potential students read specific content on our website then ask
them a few questions based on what they read. We’d know the intellectual
capability of students before they even came to campus.”
GETTRICH: (Smiling enthusiastically) “The bright kids get in; the dumb ones don’t.”
GOODLETTER: “That seems draconian, but interesting.”
TECHRIGHT:
“We can then charge higher tuition because our school will soon become a
destination for the academic elite who will boast that they were
accepted by our institution.”
GOODLETTER: “True. There would be better writers in our classes. That would be a nice change I agree.”
GETTRICH: (Slaps his knees happily) “Excellent! That’s just the ticket. We’ll do it.”
GOODLETTER: (Stands up, marches quickly to the door, then turns to face the group) “President Gettrich you’ll have my resignation within the hour.”
GETTRICH: (Surprised and disappointed) “Why? I sensed that you were beginning to warm to the idea.”
“GOODLETTER: “Hell, I love it. It’s a great plot for my next novel. And I’ll make millions on the movie rights. But in my story a 12-year-old girl posts an online virtual university, tests IQs, programs the avatars, and puts you clowns out of businesss because she runs the whole operation from her parents' garage. (Puts on dark sunglasses and strikes a celebrity pose). “Ciao, ciao, baby.”
CAMERA CUTS TO MIDDLE SHOT OF REMAINING PERSONS ALL WITH SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS.
OMINOUS MUSIC UP FULL
FADE TO BLACK
-0-
CLOSING CREDITS
BBC PERCEPTIVE RADIO
NATIONAL COUNCIL OF TEACHERS OF ENGLISH
ROBOTIC NEWS STORIES
VISION TEST FOR IQ
Steve Coon
May 26, 2013
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