Wiston Papers

Better living through science...2013 edition

“What in the world?” I asked.

“Better living through science, my friend,” John announced proudly while sniffing his cellphone, and nodding his head rhythmically.

“Didn’t we do this earlier?” I tried to remember.

“That was so last year...2013 is much, much better,” boasted John.

“Speaking of better,” our waitress Beverly declared,” I’m pouring you guys our special Panama Boquete that arrived just this morning.”

“Let me check,” John stated and continued sniffing his cellphone and nodding his head. “Yeah, that smells great.”

“Do I really want to know?” Beverly inquired reluctantly.

“It’s my new Smell-O-Vision app.  Now I can call up any image I want on my smartphone, see what it smells like, then decide whether I want it.  It works great.  Here test the bouquet,” John extended his phone to both of us.

“Uh...I think I’ll just drink the real thing,” I shrank back.

“Two cups of Panama Boquete coming up,” Beverly shook her head and walked away.

“Yeah,” John began to explain as he started squeezing a rubber ball clinched in his right fist. “It’s just one of several new advances in science and technology that I’m adopting.”

“And the rubber ball you’re...uh...caressing?” I smiled.

“Oh, that.” John placed the ball on the table and scratched his left arm slightly.  “New research says that squeezing a ball can help you learn and remember information.”

“Really?” I marveled as I took a robust swallow of my Panama Boquete. “And you’re trying to memorize that song...or whatever you’re listening to?”

“What?  It’s hard to hear you when listening to Pink Powers sing ‘Just Give Me A Reason.’”

“I can tell,” I raised my voice and almost shouted.  “Why are you listening to her?  I didn’t think you liked her music.”

“True, she’s not my cup of tea...or rather...Panama Boquete.  But research says that new music can stimulate your mind.”

“It seems to be stimulating your skin, too.  Perhaps Pink can ‘Give you a reason’ to call the doctor about that  itch on your arm?” I made the “quote signs” with my fingers.

“Itch? No, no,” John chuckled, “That’s my new skin printing tattoo.”

“Tattoo...it looks more like a bar code.”

“Of course.  It allows me to monitor my overall health by scanning it with a sensor that reads the condition of my skin.”

“John, you’ve certainly done your research I’ll give you that.”

“Yup.  It takes a lot time, you know, looking up all this stuff on my cellphone.”

“You must have a very expensive data plan,” I guessed.

“Nope.  I hardly spend a cent.  I just tap into other people’s accounts.”

“What!”  I coughed almost spewing Panama Boquete all over John.

“Sure.  It’s a new bandwidth application I have. But it leaves me a little depressed I admit.”

“I can imagine.  After all you’re stealing from other folks.”

“But what choice do I have?” John pondered.  “I’m afraid that if I spend a lot of time on Facebook using my own account,  there will be too much personal information circulating about me.”

“Personal information like what?” I was curious.

“Well,” John began to blush, “like my shopping habits.  Once everyone knows that stuff...or can guess...I’ll get tons of spam.”

“I’ll have to take note of that,” I considered softly.

“Speaking of notes,” John brightened. “What do you think of my new pen?”

“Truthfully...it’s fat and ugly,” I ventured.

“Maybe.  But it’s a 3D pen!”

“A what...?

“A 3D pen.  Here, look.” John began to draw on his napkin then raised the pen to complete a rough 3D image of a box rising from the table.”

“I’m at a loss for words,” I admitted.

“That’s really something, John,” Beverly agreed.  “I have a great idea.”

“What’s that?” John responded expecting praise.

“How about squeezing that rubber ball again to remember to draw a 3D big tip when you leave. Now that’s the type of scientific breakthrough I can live with.”

Steve Coon

April 28, 2013