Wiston Papers

Improving the Olympic Games

“I’m exhausted, John slumped into his chair.

“Chug this down and you’ll feel much better,” waitress Beverly assured.”

Yeah, you do look worn out,” I agreed.  “Too many Olympic Games for you?”

Oh, no the games were great,”  John countered as he finished off his first cup of coffee and signaled to Beverly for a refill.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I’m disappointed in the disparity of the sports,” John began.

“Uh...I don’t follow.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll explain it slowly,” John promised.

“OK, I’m listening smart guy,” I said testily.

“Look, you already know that both gymnastics and track and field have all these individual events...” John started.

“Yeah, so what’s your point,” I interrupted still stung by my perceived insult.

“Easy, easy, I’m getting there,” John tried to sooth me.

“Here this second cup of our special today will help,” Beverly said comfortingly.

“Humph,”  I countered, “I doubt it.”

“But other Olympic sports don’t have the same variety,” continued John.

“True and you could improve on that...how,” I challenged.

“Well, improve may not be the word I would choose,” John agreed in a conciliatory tone, “but some of the ‘other’ sports could take a lesson from gymnastic, track and even tennis...or those three sports can adopt ideas from the so-called small sports.  Here’s how.”

“I’m all ears,” I said sofening a little.

“Weightlifting is an individual sport, but why couldn’t it be made even more compelling as a team competition.  The lifters could hand off heavy weights to their teammates in a relay to a designated finish line.  Or...or...there could be team lifting where two or more contestants try to hoist the heaviest barbell,” John said excitedly.  “Or. or...even mixed weightlifting.”

“Well, maybe...”

“See, I knew you’d agree,” John enthused mistaking my reply. “And imagine how more exciting gymnastics would be if you added a shooting or archery component to it.”

“Wait, you surely don’t mean...”

“Yes I do,” John interjected confidently, “the gymnasts could carry either bows or rifles with them during the floor exercises, while spinning on the high bar and uneven parallel bars or...better yet...try to hit targets as the athletes attempt a vault.”

“I’m not sure that...”

“There’s more,” John raised his voice as his emotion rose.

Can’t you do something I looked to Beverly, who just shrugged her shoulders and turned to other customers.

“Here’s another great idea,” John continued without restraint.  “I love synchronized swimming and rowing is equally graceful as everyone pulls their oars together.  Why couldn’t track and field do something similar?  Like..like...synchronized shot putting, javelin throwing, high jumping and pole vaulting...using the same bar?”

“Well, I can think of several reasons...” I hoped to discourage John.

“How about brand new sports for those competitions where the contestants don’t work very hard?” John suggested.

“Don’t work hard, what are you talking about?”

“Look, you have the men’s decathlon that last two days, the women’s heptathlon also is two days long and the soccer and basketball  teams compete for two full weeks,” John tried to demonstrate.  “But the men and women in events like the javelin, high jump, and shot put don’t have much to do.  Just six tries and they’re done.  Hell, they wouldn’t even have to even live in the Olympic Village.  Just fly to London early in the morning, take a taxi to the stadium, compete, hop back in the cab and be on the red eye back to the states. They should be required to compete in several different sports to make their Gold Medal a more vigorous reward.”

“Wait, a minute, John,” I pleaded.

“Yes, that’s just the ticket,” John ignored me.  “All the field events can still do their puts, jumps and throws but also they’d have to excel in two more sports...uh...maybe add skydiving and Brahma bull riding to their schedule.”

Someone help, please, I panicked.

“I have an even better idea for you,” Beverly placed her hand on our shoulders.  “How about synchronized bill paying and a Gold medal performance in tipping?”

Steve Coon

August 20, 2012

Wiston Papers

How to fix the presidential campaign

       There are several fundamental flaws in how we select our presidential candidates.  These problems explain why we have the two candidates this year who are either the source of much of our nation’s troubles (Barack Obama) or the unclear, unpersuasive  promise of change (Mitt Romney).   

We need to fix how we choose those who run for the White House and how the media cover them.

    Here’s what I propose:

1--PRIVATE PRACTICE

Any presidential aspirant must have worked in the private sector for at least ten years before entering public service.   Career politicians are ineligible.  This would have avoided the debacle of 2008 of an inexperienced Barack Obama running against an out-of-touch career politician John McCain.

2--BACK HOME

No former member of the U.S. Senate or House of Representatives can run for president unless he or she has been out of Congress for five years and spent that period back in their home state.  This would eliminate people like Richard Lugar who hasn’t lived in Indiana for more than 20 years and even needs a GPS to find the state.  

3--NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

On January 1 of the election year, all presidential hopefuls have to declare their official candidacy..  Anyone who hasn’t decided by then to run for the White House is not prepared to lead the United States.  This would have avoided the tiresome handwringing expectancy and seemingly interminable media speculation about whether Sarah Palin would ever jump into the race.  We spent more time waiting for her announcement than the length of time she was governor of Alaska.

4--FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL RECORDS

All candidates must release all financial and personal records stretching back at least a decade on the day they announce their candidacy.  This would avoid the stupidity of the Romney campaign’s refusal to disclose his tax returns that has only fueled suspicion that he’s hiding something.  Other personal records--including birth certificates--would avoid the meaningless debate of whether Barack Obama was born in the United States or whether John McCain’s birth in Panama counts as American citizenship.  And let’s find out early who has employed illegal immigrants as nannies.

5--MY 10 COMMANDMENTS

On January 1 of the election year every presidential candidate must publish a list of ten specific policy plans that he/she will pursue during the campaign and presidency.  These must be detailed, unambiguous proposals that cover the issues for which the 15 Executive Departments (Cabinet) are responsible:  

Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, Treasury, Veteran Affairs and Attorney General.

6--CABINET DISCLOSURE

Also on January 1, presidential aspirants must release the names of five proposed heads for each of the 15 cabinet offices. Two of the persons for each office must not be from the candidate’s same political party.  And all potential cabinet heads must have had a minimum of ten years private-sector high-level administrative experience in an enterprise related to their cabinet responsibility.

This list would allow the media ample time to find any skeletons in closets  months before embarrassing details emerge at the last minute.  Such transparency by the presidential hopeful would accomplish three things:  demonstrate seriousness of consideration by the candidate, indicate the type of executive counsel the future president wants working with him, and avoid mistakes like appointing the impotent, tax-dodger Timothy Geithner as Treasury Secretary.

7--NO CHERRY PICKING

If you want to be president, you have to campaign in every presidential caucus and every primary.  Not to do so signals to the electorate that you do not represent all Americans or care about regional concerns.  We’ve had too many candidates this year who tried to invest their time and money strategically.  Fortunately, we’ve scraped most of them off our windshields.

8--All 50 STATES

The office is President of the United States of America...not President of Some of the States.  Candidates must physically visit every state of the union prior to the national political conventions of election year.  Heavy travel schedule but necessary.

9--THE G-20 AND BUILDING BRICS

Every presidential aspirant must visit the heads of state of the leading world economic powers...the so-called G-20 nations, which include the five emerging economies of Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa (BRICS).  This can be done either physically or via videoconference.  But the conversations must take place prior to the candidate’s nomination and the specifics of those conversations must be made public.  Heavy travel schedule but necessary...part two.

10--MEDIA MAVENS

These requirements of our presidential contenders would enable the news media ample time to assemble their resources to do a better job of covering the candidates and issues than we do now.  The hope, of course, is that journalists would dig deeper into significant issues, analyze and explain policy proposals better, and give American voters a more intelligent, sophisticated and clearer picture of the next occupant of the Oval Office.  

It’s too late for this year, but maybe in 2016.

Steve Coon

August 11, 2012

Wiston Papers

One Hundred Minutes of Solitude in London

       In the back booth of a dingy, out-of-the-way Irish pub in London sit two disgruntled men.

A scruffy waiter approaches, wipes his hairy arm across his nose and asks “Cad is féidir liom a gheobhaidh tú uaisle?  “What can I get you gentlemen?”

“給我你的最好的威士忌” “Give me your strongest whisky,” orders the Chinese.

"Y traigame su fuerte vodka," “And I’ll have your strongest vodka,” says the Cuban.

"Beidh mé ag teacht ar ais ina dhiaidh sin," “I’ll come back later,” snorts the Irish waiter.

"Tu fuiste patético. Ni siquiera se podía borrar la primera valla”  “You were pathetic,” snickers Dayron Robles, the Cuban Olympic Gold Medalist in the 2008 men’s 110 meter hurdles. “You couldn’t even clear the first hurdle.”

“你怎麼樣?”  “What about you,” replies Liu Xiang, who won the Olympic 110 meter hurdles in 2004.  “你降到只有兩關後，”  “You dropped out after only two hurdles,”  smiling as he sipped his drink.

"Pues, todo comenzó cuando fui descalificado en los Juegos Mundiales del año pasado en Corea del Sur,"  “Yeah, well, it all started when I was disqualified at the World Games last year in South Korea,”  moaned Robles.

“這是你的錯，抓住我的胳膊上的最後兩個障礙，花費了我的標題”  “It was your fault for grabbing my arm on the last two hurdles there and costing me the title,”  Liu complained.

"He estado fuera de la zancada, desde entonces,"  “I’ve been off stride ever since then,”  added Robles knocking back a second drink.

“你有麻煩嗎？你搶劫了我的健康問題開始“ “You think you’ve got troubles?” Your mugging was the start of my health problems,” lamented Liu as he ordered a third round for both men.

"Ahora estamos aquí, a escondidas de nuestros países en este bar sórdido"  “Now here we are, hiding from our countries in this squalid bar,”  observed Robles.

“是啊，你知道什麼共產黨以自己的失敗的運動員。我不能讓我的臉又在北京再次“  “Yeah, you know what the Communists do to their failed athletes.  I can’t show my face again in Beijing again.”

"¿Crees que las cosas están mejor allá en Cuba con los comunistas de Castro?"  “You think things are better back in Cuba with the Castro Commies?”

Silence for several minutes as the two runners sip their drinks and shake their heads.

"Debemos desertar,"   “We should defect,” suggests Robles.

“我們會在哪裡去了？”  “Where would we go?” asks Liu.

"Quedémonos aquí". “Let’s stay here.”

“太多的人會認識我們。”  “Too many people would recognize us.”

"¡Ya se, los Estados Unidos!"  “I’ve got it,” brightens Robles, “America.”

“美國？你打算如何逃離古巴到美國，當你回家嗎?” Liu wonders. “America?  How are you going to escape to the United States from Cuba when you get home?”

"No, vamos a volar a México desde aquí y cruzar la frontera como todo el mundo. Nadie se dará cuenta, "  “No, we’ll fly to Mexico from here and sneak across the border like everyone else.  No one will ever notice,” Robles smiles and drinks.

“但對我怎麼樣。我不看墨西哥“  “But what about me.  I don’t look Mexican,” Liu challenges.

"Tienes razón, eso es otra valla que no podía saltar." “You’re right,” acknowledges Robles, “that’s another hurdle you couldn’t jump.”

    也許，如果你再次抓住我的胳膊 ”  “Maybe if you pulled me by my arm again,”  Liu says sarcastically.

Steve Coon

August 09, 2012

Wiston Papers

Shooting for the stars

“I can hardly wait for it to come,” John gestured enthusiastically.

“Keep your shirt on,” waitress Beverly protested, “your coffee’s coming as soon as I can pour it.”

“No, not that,” John tried to explain excitedly, “I’m talking about August 06...I can’t wait.”

“August 6...hm...the end of the Olympic Games in London?” I wondered.

“No, they go ‘til the 12th,” John sipped his coffee quickly...letting a drop slide slowly from the corner of his mouth to his chin.  “And the U.S. finally is doing great.”

“Oh, the NFL Exhibition Season kicks off,” it dawned on me.

“No, that’s the 5th,” John almost dropped his cup in frustration. “The Arizona Cardinals and New Orleans Saints play and they don’t really count.”

Now I remember,” I proclaimed knowingly, “the Iowa State Fair!  I love the fair, too, the Grandstand, the exhibitions, the food...”

“Argh...!”  John rolled his eyes in disbelief.

“OK, OK, you’ve raised my curiosity,” I said soothingly.

“Yes, Curiosity,” John agreed joyously.

“Uh...yeah...I just said I’m curious.”

Curiosity...Curiosity!”  John spilled another drop of coffee as he quickly swallowed and put his cup down missing his saucer.  

“The latest Mars mission,” Beverly clarified as she cleaned the spill and refilled our cups.

“Yes, Curiosity...the next mission to Mars.  It lands on the Red Planet on August 6.  It’s as big as a car.”

“Mars looks small in a telescope, but I always thought it was bigger...”.

“Curiosity is as big as a car, smart guy.  It weighs a ton and will roam all over looking for signs of life,” John smiled.

“But...”

“They’re calling it ‘Seven Minutes of Terror,’” John continued.

“Yes, I think there was a movie starring Tom Cruise with Nicole Kidman or was that Katie Holmes...” I suggested.  “I can’t keep them straight.”

“Look,” John turned serious and leaned toward me, “this is a big deal.  Seven Minutes of Terror refers to the length of time between the descent of Curiosity and when scientists know whether it landed safely.  Curiosity may be our last chance to find evidence that life may have existed on Mars. .”

“Last chance because...”

“Before the President and Congress cut funding for NASA,” John turned sad suddenly.  “That would be tragic because these missions are so inspiring.  Even one of the Curiosity scientists said he became an astrophysicist because he was excited as a boy by the early NASA successes.”

“I was one of them,” Beverly said as she poured our final round of coffee.  “I almost became a space scientist.”

“Seriously?” John and I responded in unison.

“Yes, I had good grades in school and college and even was admitted to a physics graduate program.  “But I realized that would be a mistake.”

“Why?”  John and I could barely get out the word.

“Simple.  I’d spend another five years in school, get my Ph.D in physics, have a huge college debt to pay off, then not be able to find a job like so many other recent college graduates even in the sciences.  Yeah, I’d be right back here with an advanced degree still waiting on big spenders like you.”

“Wow, that sounds like a political commentary,” I noted.

“It’s the New Normal in America,” observed Beverly, “perhaps you guys can discuss that next week.”

Steve Coon
August 04, 2012

Wiston Papers

The Olympic Games, weather and taxes

“This looks like an ‘interesting day,” waitress Beverly said as she made the “quote” sign with her hands then poured our coffee.

“No,” John corrected, “it’s a ‘great’ day,” also signaling “quote” with his fingers.

“Well, you’re certainly in a chipper mood,” I noted.

“Why not,” smiled John as he sipped his coffee and leaned back in his chair.

“Go on,” I suggested curiously.

“What’s not to like about today,” John hinted.  “The U.S. is doing great at the Olympics, the weather’s been fabulous, and I’ve about to save lots of money.”

“Whoa...let’s start over,” I asked.

“The U.S. women’s Olympic gymnastics team grabbed the Gold Medal for the team competition.”

“True, but the U.S. men crashed and burned,”

“But how about Gabby Douglas capturing Gold in the All-Around gymnastic’s competition?”

Yes, it was great,” I agreed, “but Ryan Lochte hasn’t made as much of a splash in swimming as predicted.”

“Speaking of water, last week’s rain was certainly welcome,”John smiled a little less than a second ago.  “That certainly reduced the heat and dropped the humidity.”

“But the Agriculture Department says that Iowa’s corn crop is 76 percent poor to only fair because of a drought,”  I countered, “and the state’s soybeans are only 71 percent.”

“But...” John began to wilt perceptibly.

“That means grocery prices will go up this fall as farmers harvest fewer acres, producers have to pay more for less corn, and it all gets passed on to us,” I shook my head.

“Maybe so,” John paused then gathered renewed inspiration, “but I’ll have extra money this year because I’m taking a Timothy Geithner exemption.”

“You’re taking what...?

“The Geithner exemption,” John recovered his spirits, “You know our Secretary of Treasury who didn’t pay his income taxes before President Obama appointed him to head the agency.”

But, John, that’s...”

“Yeah, and if the guy in charge of the Treasury and IRS doesn’t pay then I won’t either,”  John took a long final sip of his coffee.

“But didn’t you read today that the Treasury Department reported it had discovered more than $5 billion in IRS tax fraud?”

“Of course I did,” John stood up slowly and pulled out his wallet.  “But so what.  Since Geithner himself is responsible for part of that then I know neither he nor the IRS is serious about doing anything.”

“Wait, John,” I tried to recover, “you can’t...”

“Don’t worry, buddy,” John dropped money on the table, “I’ve got this week’s coffee because I’m saving lot’s of money on taxes.  Yeah, it’s a great day, some U.S. Olympic victories, a little rain, and lots of cash in my pocket,” John waves as he leaves.  “See you next week.”

“But, wait...what just happened here...?”  I stammered.

“That certainly went well,” Beverly commented as she pick up the bill and money and walked away.  “Nice job.”

Steve Coon
August 02, 2012